Mr. Right: Put Your Man to the Test

Question 32 - Is your relationship with your man a secret?

2009-12-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

Francesca: When I was 14 my best friend was "in love" with Alex. We all hung out together but they were a total couple and Alex and I really didn't even get along. My best friend broke the horrific news to us that she was moving from New York to West Virginia. We were all devastated. She made me promise to look after Alex because she knew, we all knew, how sad he would be after she moved.

To be honest, I never even thought Alex and I would ever speak because I did not intend to “look after him.” Shortly after she moved, I decided I should call Alex to see how he was doing. Somehow, we wound up seeing a movie together. Somehow, as we were watching the movie our hands dropped down and the nest thing you know we were holding them.

Therefore, Alex and I spent months in hiding and we actually dated for about 2 years with some breakups in-between because of kid-type pressures. It was “puppy-love” but the emotions were real. My knees would get weak when I would see him and when we couldn’t see each other for whatever reason it was torturous. It was cool at the time but when we finally did come out with it, definitely was not pretty. We had many friends who were shocked and dismayed; neither one of us looked very well. When my friend who moved away found out, she was just floored. I think she thought they would be “together forever” no matter what. The truth is, none of us should have been so serious at the age. It’s such a foggy memory at this point in my life.

So it all depends on WHY your relationship is a secret. Mine was a secret because it was wrong. If your relationship is a secret because others will get hurt if they find out - your relationship has started out wrong, is wrong and will most likely end on a bad note. If your relationship is a secret because your company will fire you if they find out, that’s a whole different ballgame and not as bad. We were teenagers, so nobody’s job was on the line. Secrets normally aren’t about good things; people hide stuff usually because it’s just plain old wrong. So consider those every time you classify something as “a secret.”

Abby: You hit the nail on the head. People don’t keep good news a secret. People keep bad news a secret. So if your relationship is a secret, you’re probably doing something, or someone, you should be.

My man and I were in the closet for a year before we made our relationship public. We lived together by then, and people still didn’t know. At first, it was because he was my boss. We could have both lost our jobs over it. We were quick to move into different departments, but the damage could have been done. How would our relationship have faired if we hadn’t been so lucky? Not good, I suspect.

You should be able to shout from the rooftops about your relationship with your man. If you can’t tell people, you need to ask yourself why. Is he married? Are you ashamed of him? Will your friends and family not approve so you’re hiding? Will you lose your job? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have a problem. You’re relationship shouldn’t be a secret and the reason it is, is the reason you shouldn’t be with that man.

Question 31 - Do you agree with your man on how much you should contribute toward paying household expenses?

2009-12-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

Abby: I just have to say that the way Francesca manages her household expenses is WHACKED! She is responsible for paying the bills, mortgage, daycare, etc. Her man gives her whatever he thinks he should that week. Sometimes it’s a couple hundred, sometimes more. She never knows. Moreover, she doesn’t know how much he makes. Recently, she was short to pay that weeks’ daycare, and it was her problem! She had to go into savings for it. In addition, he criticized her for not having enough and not managing the bills properly. How is she supposed to plan a household budget when she doesn’t know how much income will be coming in?

When you set up house with your man, you had better determine how your bills are going to be paid first. Will you each put in a specific amount? Will you combine your income into a household account? Will you pick certain bills each of you will pay? How much will you save? There are many options.

I’ve done it several ways. I had a boyfriend who I cut a check to every month for the same amount and it was his responsibility to do the bills. I didn’t see how much the bills were, but I didn’t have to worry about them either. Now, my man and I have our checks direct deposited into a joint account. All of our bills are paid on automatic, no matter who generated the expense. We each get some cash and we use a credit card for most purchases (yes, we pay it off each month).

We function as a household. We earn as a household, we spend as a household. If one of us decided to stay home with the kids, does that mean no one pays that person’s expenses? No. So it doesn’t make sense to separate them either. Figure it out ahead of time, or you will feel resentful. Also, keep in mind that your system might need to change over time. Someone might get a big raise, lose a job, have a new bill. My advice is to set up your household budget and bill paying system with potential changes in mind.

Francesca: While I don’t necessarily “agree” with my man on the way we operate from a household expense perspective, the way the expenses are managed is necessary. My paycheck goes direct deposit; he cashes his check, gives me money to cover bills, and then saves the rest. I can tell you right now if I cashed my check and put actual cash in my pocket IT WOULD BE GONE in the flash of an eye. Sometimes I get really pissed off because it feels like bills absorb my paychecks while he gets to “keep” his money. I have to remember that he’s the reason we have emergency funds and he’s the reason we have as much as we have in savings.

I have never heard him complain about how much I contribute. I truly have no idea technically how much is “his” money that is being contributed toward household expenses because that would require an extensive analysis. I realize that for the most part he gasses up the cars, pays the landscaper, etc. The problem (like with everyone) is that there are too many expenses!

What I’ve learned that is most important about household expenses is as a couple, there has to be a comfort level with who’s contributing what. What I would say to do before settling down is make sure that your definition of “lifestyle” is the same. Decide who’s going to manage the majority of finances and how decisions are going to be made. My man won’t hesitate to have a huge car payment but getting him to spend money on a vacation is a whole other feat in itself.

Question 30 - Do you play mind games with your man?

2009-12-11T15:30:00.000-08:00

Abby: I was standing in line at the grocery the other day when the man behind me told his buddy that his ex had just texted him, but he wasn’t going to reply right away. But he was going to respond. I turned and looked at him like he was mad. He asks me if I think he’s right. No Way!

All he was doing was stringing along a situation in which he really had no interest. When you really care for someone, you can’t wait to respond to him. And if your man really cares for you, then he can’t wait to hear from you. Playing games just so that you feel that you’re in a position of power leads to your man feeling insecure in the relationship. That leads to a lack of trust. Not in the sense of faithfulness, but in the sense of security. You wouldn’t want to be in that position any more than he does.

Playing games leads to breakups and is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. If you feel like you need to play games with your man, you’ve got a problem. If you’re the one instigating the games, you really aren’t that into your man. If he’s the one playing games, he’s just not that into you. Neither of which leads to a long, healthy marriage.

Francesca: I play mind games with my man. You would think that as time goes by in your relationship you would have to play less games. Not with my man. Seems like the older our relationship gets, the more games we have to play to keep our relationship going.

It’s really unfortunate because I don’t want to play games but seems like I always wind up having to. It’s a mind game where it seems whoever gets upset at the other first is the one to be in control. Mind games are a way for me to try to get out of a submissive role. A high maintenance man requires you to live and breathe for that person, no matter how many kids you have, no matter how tired you are, no matter what is going around you. It doesn’t matter how you feel and that’s where the mind games come in.

If you can’t be honest about your feelings with your man, whether your feelings are good or bad, reconsider your relationship because it will only get more difficult as time goes on. Mind games can never be the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you find yourself feeling forced to play them, take it as a sign that the relationship you’re in isn’t healthy.

Question 29 - Does your man agree with your level of ambition?

2009-12-04T08:00:00.001-08:00

Francesca: You want a man who’s secure enough within himself to withstand what you’re capable of. Most people SAY they want their spouses to succeed, yet oftentimes if the spouse winds up succeeding, the couple breaks up! If you pick someone who gets intimidated by your successes, you will never be half of what you can be and you’ll wind up discontented. Andre Agassi got to the best times of his career after he married Stefi Graf – not when he was married to Brooke Shields and that’s because Stefi understands what Andre is all about; they have common ground.

I think my man is completely intimidated by my level of ambition. It will be a cold day in hell before he would ever admit it. I do most of the work at home and he absolutely has at least 50% more free time than I do. I guess you could say he agrees with my level of ambition, because it benefits him that I’ve come as far as I have. Still, it frustrates the heck out of me because I could be so much more than I already am if I had his support.

I could write the book I’ve always wanted to write in 1 year versus 3; I could back up sing in a band like I’ve always wanted to; I could get my Master’s degree; I could raise my kids more like I want to, close to and around family, etc. My goal has been to move back to New York forever. I’ve been telling my man I need to do my resume and send it out and get an offer and he says, “Go ahead, do it.” How the heck am I going to cook dinner, do the laundry, straighten up the house, react every time one of my three kids says “mom” and help with homework, bathe them, and pay bills while I’m sending out my resume? Seriously, give me a break.

I can’t say that I do everything I say I’m going to do, but he should be scared if I did actually do everything I want to do. The reason I don’t get to do everything I say I’m going to do is because I don’t get the support I need from him in order to do it and no, this is not a lame excuse. I just believe that there is time in my day to accomplish everything I want to accomplish IF I married someone who cared enough about me and less about themselves. When you choose your man, choose wisely – choose a man who will feed and support your dreams and be happy if you succeed, not someone who you think might not be happy if you become all you can be.

Abby: Ambition is a tricky subject for many women. Are you going to be Supermom, Career Woman, Trophy Wife? You have visions of what you want your future to be. Does he know what that vision is? Is he ok with it?

My friend married a woman he met in college who had a great career at the Fed. They were on they’re way. However, when they started a family, that path changed. She decided to decrease her workload. She turned down promotions. Even when he lost his job, she refused to work full-time. She believed her role was to spend time volunteering in her kids’ class. She comes from a traditional family, so it should not have really been a surprise that she believe her role was as caregiver rather than breadwinner.

Her man almost divorced her because he did not agree with her level of ambition. He was truly surprised at how things were turning out. He thought she would be the career woman she had always been. Yes, he knew she would have her role as a mom, but he just assumed her career ambitions. Makes me wonder if he would have chosen to marry her if he had known. They should have talked about it!

Question 28 - Is your man polite to you?

2009-11-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

Abby: Key to a good relationship is a pleasant relationship. People underestimate the importance of politeness. How are you going to feel if your man is more polite to the waiter than he is to you? You should be the most important person in his life. He should treat you like you are, and that means being polite to you. If he doesn’t even say thank you when you get him a drink, how do you think he’s going to treat you down the road? He will take you for granted.

My man treats me with the same level of politeness at the kitchen table that he does if he were at a business luncheon. And I do the same to him. He thinks to refill my drink we he does his, asks if I need anything when he goes to the kitchen, holds doors for me when we go shopping, and says thank you. We don’t allow familiarity to degrade the way we treat each other in day-to-day life. It makes for a much more pleasant environment. We definitely notice when other couples aren’t polite to each other. They’re almost gruff.

Francesca: My man is not as polite to me as I would like him to be. Being polite is about gestures of kindness for me. Politeness ties into to caring about someone overall; it’s not just about please and thank you. It’s about noticing things like when I don’t feel well and being polite in offering to make me a cup of tea. It’s about letting me sleep in on the weekend versus purposefully waking me up so he doesn’t have to deal with the kids by himself, which he often does.

When I think “back to the beginning,” there was always such chaos and commotion going on between us that I didn’t even consider whether his level of politeness was acceptable to me. I just knew he was “hot” and I was going to put up with whatever he had to dish out even if it was wrong. It shouldn’t be this way and that’s what I get for being vane.

Your man should be polite to you from day one; he should always consider your feelings. The minute he stops being polite or shows you signs that he has the ability of being anything but polite, you need to question it. Whatever seems small now will be magnified 10 years later. He calls you a “jerk” today no big deal, right? 10 years from now, he could be calling you much worse names. You need to notice the small things about your man that nag at you and PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. Don’t shove your instincts and those nagging feelings under the carpet. Sure it’s hard to think long-term when you’re young or when you’re vulnerable or maybe when you’re not even looking for a relationship but you have to do it. The man you choose will affect the rest of your life, especially if you have children with him.

Question 27 - Are you OK with your man's level of ambition?

2009-11-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

Francesca: No, I’m not OK with my man’s level of ambition. There is such a HUGE difference between talking about doing something and actually doing something. Sometimes I’ll be at a restaurant or in a store and I’m watching people talk and I wonder about all of the bullshit that is coming out of their mouth. It seems to me that is what most people do.

Now the Donald Trump’s, the Bill Gates’, the Joel Olsten’s, and the Oprah Winfrey’s of the world don’t just sit around bullshitting; they actually do something with their ideas. I always wonder how someone like “Eminem” who basically grew up in a trailer park got where he is. And what about 50-cent, who was shot like 9 times and is now hugely successful – how to he go from lying in a hospital almost dead to 50-cent the famous rich rapper???

Now I’m not nearly perfect at doing what I say I’m going to do all the time, but my man hardly does anything he says he is going to do. He is not an action-oriented person and he’s always been a dreamer. He’s had some decent ideas and has done nothing with them. All the time I spend listening to his regrets like there is nothing he can do about it now! Whether it’s out of fear or procrastination or laziness, whatever it is that’s holding him back, I wish for his own sake he would get off his ass and find what it is that floats his boat. For example, “I should have gone to college.” Ok, then go now! He acts as if his life is over. My man makes me feel like crap because he acts as if having a wife and kids has translated into his life being over. You and I both know that he would act like this whether or not he had a wife and kids.

Pay attention to what your man SAYS he’s going to do and what your man ACTUALLY does. Watch to see if his words match his actions, and if they don’t, heed this as a big sign that he’s on the road to nowhere fast. Or maybe he’s on the road to average-ness fast and you have to convince yourself that being average is OK. Or, maybe you’re OK with average-ness, but your man really isn’t OK with it; he just doesn’t know what to do about it, which makes for a very frustrating life. If you choose a man but you’re not OK with his level of ambition, you will suffer right along with him.

Abby: A man’s level of ambition affects every aspect of his life. It’ll determine how much money he makes, the time he spends with his family, his fitness level, and his peace of mind. Because all of those aspects will affect your life too, you had better be OK with how ambitious he is.

Families with more money are healthier, and some might argue happier because of less stress. But, making more money comes at the cost of time. If your man is super ambitious, he might be OK billing 100-hour workweeks to make six figures. But that means you don’t see him. Is that big house worth it? Does he work so much that he can’t take care of his body? If your man is so ambitious, that he’ll end up fat or dead from a heart attack, that doesn’t help you either (no insurance jokes, please). Conversely, if he’s not ambitious, will that wear away at his peace of mind, or yours? Humans truly need to grow to be happy. So if he has no ambition, you could be in for a depressing ride.

My man had ambition when we met, but boy did he underestimate himself. He is absolutely amazing in dealing with people. He knew he wanted to reach a middle level within his industry, he just didn’t think he’d hit his goal in his 20’s. When he spent everyday with someone who had such faith in him (me), he realized that he had set the bar too low. He then added an MBA, and an even better job. But he also realized what impact it would have to move further up in the corporate world. I was so proud when he made the decision to not sacrifice family life for more power. I am still OK with his level of ambition.

Question 26 - Have you discussed your long-term financial goals with your man?

2009-11-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

Francesca: My man and I are on two completely separate pages when it comes to our long-term financial goals. I wish we had discussed our “plan” for dealing with finances. They say that money is the number one thing people argue about. I say the kids are first as far as what we argue about, but then definitely money.

I grew up with parents who were extremely poor money managers and constantly talked about their financial woes in front of me. My husband grew up with parents who were business owners and were pretty well off. I’m a spender by nature and my husband is a saver by nature. I’m about today and he’s about tomorrow.

The one thing I do credit my man with is that he taught me how to care about paying my bills on time, which in turn has really done wonderful things for my credit. He really does have great philosophies about money, which have in turn instilled some great money practices in me. There’s always that part of me that just wants to go nuts and have a great time (OK it’s really a big part of me and it’s pretty much every day that I feel this way) but because of him, I’m able to curb that side of me and use my money for important things like my mortgage.

Our differing philosophies have really put a damper on the type of lifestyle each of us wants to live. I don’t get to take as many vacations I want, which puts a damper on my overall happiness, and he doesn’t get to put as much money in the bank as he would like, which puts a damper on his overall happiness. Life is long but life is short and I wish he would let us live it up on some things. Had we sat down before getting married we might have seen that our differences in this area are really something you shouldn’t settle for in a relationship because both of us lose.

Abby: Life is long, but zips past you in the blink of an eye. I’m a planner, so I think discussing what your long-term goals is essential. And I don’t believe that just because you have different spending habits that you can’t share what your goals are, and hopefully develop a plan to reach them.

My man and I were just talking about the importance of having our mortgage paid off when we retire. We had decided this about a decade ago when we watched his mother struggle to pay all of her bills after she was forced into an early retirement. It made a significant difference to her quality of life and her ability to see her grandchildren. We again committed to this goal when we discussed how our neighbor, who is 65 and retired, had her entire financial life ripped out from under her because of the great recession. Unfortunately, she has a large mortgage on a house she’s upside-down on, so she’s stuck.

I also have a friend whose man always wants the newest car. Most people know that buying a new car is not an investment, but an expense. It loses significant value immediately. He wants one every year or two. His goal of having a new car constantly is preventing them from having as secure a future as she would like. Had she known that his goal of car ownership was more important that the goal of financial security for his family, she might have reconsidered marrying him. Lord knows I would have! But what does she do now?

When my man and I discuss how financial planning has impacted the lives of those around us, we are able to determine if we agree with each other, and then develop a plan to address what we’ve discovered. We determine if a purchase or bill will benefit us more in the now than if we put the money toward a longer-term goal. It’s discussing these things continuously that keeps a couple moving in the same direction. You should lay that groundwork before you tie the knot, or you could be in for a nasty surprise.

Question 25 - Do you know your man's views on politics?

2009-11-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

Abby: My man and I discuss political issues all of the time. It’s scary to think of the impact politics can have on our daily lives. There are laws for everything. Politics influence how much money you have because your taxes are determined by politicians, how much you spend on health care, how your parents are cared for as they age, whether your neighbor can live in this country.

With so much of your life determined by who you vote for, you want to be sure that I know where my man stands. You don’t have to agree, but you should go into a marriage eyes wide open about what he might think.

As everyone who knows me knows, I’m a bleeding heart liberal. I’ve had people tell me that they don’t want to pay taxes to help others, but to let Brad and Angelina do that. I feel it’s my responsibility to help my fellow man, so I support government programs that help the downtrodden and willingly pay the taxes to do so. As I’ve moved into executive positions in the corporate world, that philosophy hasn’t changed. That philosophy is acted out in how I vote.

For me, I need to know what my man’s thoughts are on these things. I wouldn’t expect to change his opinions, so I’d need to know what they are so that I could make the decision on whether I would want to be with him.

Francesca: Politics bore me.

They are not me or my man's strong suit. We both think most politicians are crooked.

Neither one of us is conservative, so we're usually on the same page when the presidential election comes up. And if you weren't and you were going to vote for one presidential elect and he the other wouldn't our votes cancel each other out anyway?

While personally I don't feel politics should come in the way of any relationship, I certainly see how it could. Strong beliefs that differ can destroy a relationship. At least if you know your man’s views on politics, you can avoid throwing that fight into the mix.

Question 24 - Do you feel comfortable sharing your medical history with your man?

2009-10-16T08:00:00.001-07:00

Francesca: Why on earth would I want to share my medical history with my man? If I say I’m tired I get the rolling of the eyes and the ever so stupid question, “What are you so tired about?” If I get a cold I still get asked the same question as every night: “What’s for dinner?” If a tell him my doctor thinks I’m stressed or anxious or depressed I get, “You want to know what happened to me at work today?” And God forbid I get a urinary tract infection or a yeast infection – I get yet another set of impressive comments and questions…”Yeah I thought you’ve been up to no good lately…” or “You’re always out to lunch, getting your nails done or not in the office…maybe that’s WHY you have an infection down there… “

I should be comfortable sharing medical history with my man but I’m not because the current information I share gets my responses like the ones I mentioned above, so what’s the point! I highly doubt I would get a sympathetic response like, “that must have been hard for you” or “wow, sorry that happened to you.” Ummmm no. Not happening. Not in this lifetime anyway.

Looking back, marry a man who loves you and cares more about you than he does himself. If he constantly comes before you, no matter what the circumstance, take it as a sign that you might be driving yourself to the hospital when the baby is coming.

Abby: If you had breast cancer, you’d want your man to be there to support you if you had a relapse. If you don’t trust your man enough to tell him that you had breast cancer in the first place, how well do you think he’s going to support you in your time of need? Medical problems are serious and you need to be able to share them with the person who is supposed to be the most important to you. You shouldn't marry a man you can't discuss your medical history with.

Question 23 - Do you feel comfortable sharing your goals and dreams with your man?

2009-10-09T08:00:00.001-07:00

Abby: For a marriage to work, your man should be your partner in crime. That means that he is there when you succeed and when you fail. He is encouraging you to achieve your dreams, listening to your plans, and helping you get to the top of that mountain. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing those dreams with the person who should be the most important in the world to you, then you are with the wrong man. There are no excuses on this one.

Francesca: I would love to, only when I do I feel like he blows me off or dismisses them. I thought that’s what marriage was about, sharing dreams, helping each other make your dreams and goals happen, etc. But then what happens, life gets a hold of you and it’s a whirlwind of trying to juggle everything so I can see where he feels defeated as far as goals and dreams go.

Looking back I would really take a hard look at whether or your man is even capable of helping you achieve your goals and dreams. For example, if you choose a selfish man and you are primarily the “caretaker” of the relationship you can probably bet on it and win that your man is only going to be concerned with himself and his dreams and goals. I remember I offered to save up and buy a Movado watch for my man and he said something to the effect that if that was all he could get (he wanted a Rolex) than he’d rather not get a watch at all from me. Seriously – could I share my goals and dreams with someone who tells me that what I was willing to work for wasn’t good enough? These were all clues that I didn’t pay attention to.

I can’t totally say my man has been supportive of any goals or dreams I’ve accomplished throughout my life and we rarely discussed any of them because if I wanted to accomplish something I guess I already knew I had to do it on my own. I put myself through college; I found my biological father on my own. I’ve gotten great jobs and worked for great employers on my own. I mean everything that has been a dream or goal of mine I have accomplished without any help from my man.

If you’re not comfortable sharing the small stuff with your man or depend on him for the little things what makes you think you can depend on him to help you achieve your goals and dreams. My piece of advice on this is choose someone you feel comfortable sharing your goals and dreams with all the time, because goals and dreams change all the time. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your goals and dreams with your man, there’s a reason and you should pay attention to it. Maybe it’s your own insecurity and you don’t have enough self-worth to feel worthy of even having any goals or dreams, that was my problem for a long time and this will definitely contribute toward your choosing a man who is more concerned with his dreams and goals than he will ever be with yours. This is a huge problem because if you put yourself second then you’ll always come second and it’s not necessarily all your man’s fault. Go tell your man some of your dreams and goals RIGHT NOW and see how he acts, it will be a great indication of where you stand RIGHT NOW.

Question 22 - Do you have the same smoking habit as your man?

2009-09-25T08:00:00.001-07:00

Abby: My man was a smoker when we started dating. Since we were young and in the bar scene, I didn’t think much of it. I guess I always assumed he would quit when it was time to grow up, but it was ok while we were partying. As we evolved in our careers, I started to notice that he was one of the few professionals that smoked in our office. I would question his productivity because he spent extra time out of his day smoking and then would need to work later. I also felt it would impede his career. When I mentioned this to him, he tried to decrease the frequency of his smoke breaks, tried the patch, the pills, the lozenges. Nothing worked. But we still went out quite a bit, so there wasn’t too much pressure.

Then it became time for us to have kids. There was no more going out for me. That was when I saw him go outside to smoke, often. I knew he had tried for several years now to quit, but this was when it really dawned on me how hard it was for him. It was impacting the quality time of his life and he was a prisoner to it. Then there were the nights that he had to sleep in the guest room because the baby was in the bed and he smelled like smoke. Since studies had shown it could trigger asthma for babies to inhale smoke from clothes, he was relegated to another room. What an awful experience for a new father.

His frequency of smoking was slowly decreasing at the office as he got out of the habit of coffee and a cigarette. Then he moved to an office that would give him a hard time if he came to meetings smelling like smoke. This coincided with when we were ready to get pregnant again. I would read him articles about how smoking impacts the quality of his sperm, telling him that he needed to get on the ball.

And that was his turning point. I think between the pressure at work, at home, and on himself, he was finally able to make the break. But it took years. And it took me a while to understand that he was truly trying and struggling with the failure. I was not OK that he smoked, but I was OK knowing that he had always smoked and that was what I had agreed to. It wasn’t fair for me to chastise him for something that I assumed. I was the one that assumed he would grow out of it. I don’t think we had ever really talked about it. We should have though.

That’s the key. If I had been wrong that he didn’t want to raise his kids as a smoker, it would have been a thorn in our relationship forever. But if I had just asked before we got married, I could have made a different decision about our long term compatibility. I had no plans to raise my children with a smoker. So, even though my man hung the moon, it might have been a deal breaker if we had discussed it and he planned to smoke his whole life.

Francesca: Smoking is definitely not a habit my man and me share the same philosophy on. I probably held my first lit cigarette when I was 13 or so. Yes, I did it for the coolness factor. I've never smoked more than a half a pack a day, always quit when I was pregnant and don't like to smoke a lot but yes I like to smoke when I'm stressed, with a glass of wine, on the very rare occasion I go dancing with girlfriends etc.

Now I get it - it's not good for you, it smells disgusting and maybe it’s not the most attractive thing a girl can do. However, my man is absolutely and totally 100 percent anti-smoking...when it comes to me. The thing that bothers me is that the reason he hates me to smoke is not because he's worried for my health or his grandmother died from it, etc. The reason is he simply thinks it's disgusting.

I think it's disgusting that he curses the way he does in front of the kids, but I don't hear him saying,"OK honey I'll work on it." I hear,"OH WELL deal with it, I've always cursed." OH WELL, then deal with my smoking since I've always been a smoker! We don't share the same philosophy on smoking and it has really been a problem in our relationship. He's always hassled me about it but now it becomes a serious argument when I want to smoke. Ladies I don't care if your vice is picking your nose - discuss your habits before you settle down and discuss what is acceptable to each of you and what is not. Grown ups shouldn't have to report to each other.

Question 21 - Would you leave your man if he gained 50 lbs?

2009-08-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Francesca: I would not be OK with ME gaining 50 pounds so why would I be OK with MY MAN gaining 50 pounds. I’m sorry but it is hard enough to make a relationship work without having to worry that man is letting himself turn into a big fat blob. I mean, come on, how could that be OK?

I get that the older you get it gets harder and harder to keep the weight off; I’m there myself right now. I get that when you’re “comfortable” and “happy” in your relationship you relax a little bit and eating together can become a social thing that both of you enjoy but someone has to set the standard and if it has to be the woman who does (as usual) then so be it. There is just no excuse, unless it’s due to some medical condition, to gain a significant amount of weight.

Thin has always been in, I don’t care what anyone says. I want to be thin, I want my man to be thin, and if it takes eating less and exercising more than so be it. My man would also not be OK with my gaining 50 pounds, which has really made me be conscious so that I don’t let that happen and I’m OK with him not being OK with me gaining weight because it keeps me motivated.

Your man should want to look good for you and you should want to look good for your man. I’m trying to impress my man and my man should be trying to impress me. If your man or you stop caring about weight gain, other important things will stop too, like sex. That said, would I leave him if he did? No.

Abby: My man looked at my mom and asked himself he would be OK with me looking like that in 30 years. He decided he was prepared for that, but he went into it knowing what could come. I was truly impressed when he told me that as we discussed this question.

I did not have the foresight that my man did. My man was hot when we started dating. He had even done a little modeling. I never thought much about how he would age. He’s 50 pounds heavier now than he was a decade ago. And the poor guy gains as much pregnancy weight as I do! Luckily, he loses it just as fast. He looks good, but now I worry about his health. I find that he feeds off my habits, so I feel extra responsibly to live a healthy lifestyle.

When I was younger, this question never would have occurred to me. It’s so easy to assume that you’ll be fit and hot forever. But as I get older, I notice the people around me more. The average woman gains 5 pounds per year. It takes regular exercise and a balanced diet to keep that from happening. And that takes work. And most people don’t do the work. We live in an obese nation, so you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think the odds are stacked against you staying thin.

So you need to be real about what your man, and you, will look like down the road. You need to discuss what your daily lifestyle will look like if you plan to commit to staying at a healthy weight. And if you are not OK with the possibility that your man could gain 50 pounds, he needs to know that. If you would leave your man because he got flabby, he needs to know that your love for him has a contingency. Then he can go into it eyes wide open and decide if he can live with that and if he wants to live with you.

Question 20 - Do you agree with your man's expectations of the role each of you will play?

2009-08-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Francesca: I am 100% absolutely not OK with our roles. I am a career woman, a mom and a wife and my personality is that I have to be good at everything to feel good about myself. With a passion for my career, three kids (because my man wanted a big family) and "wife" duties I nearly drop dead by the end of the night.

My man refers to dishes and other types of household duties as "a bitch’s job." Sometimes I can't believe the total crap that comes out of his mouth. That's what I get for marrying an Italian man raised in a completely traditional Italian home. Not only that but he is the youngest of four so he was completely babied. Of course, I am sure he is 100% satisfied with the roles we each play because he benefits big time by my wanting to do it all and be it all and he never blinks an eye. Even though I might work all day just like him, he expects a plate of food to be put directly in front of him.

I have so much anger and resentment about his expectations half the time I'm thinking about how I can poison him so he has a quick death. I don't believe most men have the ability to successfully take care of children so if you plan on having any kids you better have a serious talk about who's getting up at night, who's changing diapers and how you are going to manage your relationship and deal with the stresses of having children for the next 18 years. The roles each of you will play should be discussed repeatedly until it's memorized by both you and your man so there's no confusion. If you want equality, you had better be loud and clear about it.

Abby: Gender roles still exist and they have caught many a couple off guard. People don’t always realize the deep seeded beliefs they hold. Many women, even successful executives, have every expectation of staying home with the kids. This can shock a man who married a professional. Conversely, some career women are not too happy with the expectation that they stay home. Then there are the gender issues of who makes more money or if a man wants to stay home. It can cause many battles if you don’t figure out where you stand and make sure your man understands your position.

When my man and I went through premarital counseling, we participated in a weekend for engaged couples. This was one of the questions raised. We got such a chuckle out of how many couples had opposite views on what their roles would be. They hadn’t even discussed it and were weeks away from getting married!

My man has always considered me a professional, as have I. We were talking the other day about how many people were asking me when I’d stop working during my latest pregnancy. He stopped dead in his tracks when he thought I was planning to stay home. While the confusion only lasted for about five seconds, it really reinforced that we had the same understanding of our roles. Neither of us is the stay at home type. We actually get concerned that our nanny will go crazy staying with the kids all of the time. So even though we get plenty of pressure and judgment from society, we remain consistently on the same page with each other.

Question 19 - Are you ok with your man's personal hygiene?

2009-08-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

Francesca: Yes I'm one of those girls where if my man does something hygiene-wise (or otherwise) that grosses me out it will be really difficult for me to get past it. One of the first things I did was make sure my man's chest was hair-less. If it wasn't he was shaving it and he does until this day.

This started from when I was very young and I have no idea why I'm like this. When I was about 14 I was "dating" this guy and we were all hanging out after roller skating and we went to McDonald's. One of the guys put a french fry up his nose and tossed it and guess who didn't see and ate it? Yep, my boyfriend. I was just so devastated I couldn't even imagine kissing a guy who ate a french fry that was stuck up somebody else's nose.

If my man has any hygiene issues like smelly armpits, bad breath or a hairy chest I'm outta there in a hurry. I swear, I have known my man for 20-plus years and I can't think of anything he's done hygiene-wise that's grossed me out. He's meticulous about his hygiene and I wouldn't have it any other way. Seriously a guy who doesn't properly clip his toenails? Not having it. A guy with ear hairs, nose hairs or, the absolute worst, back hair? Not having it. It may sound mean but guys you need to keep yourself clean.

Abby: Hygiene is something that you don’t notice until later into a relationship. When you first start dating, everyone is on their best behavior. As you become more comfortable, you start to slack off, let little hairs grow in odd places. It’s then that you need to really make sure that you’re ok with your man’s level of personal maintenance.

I dated a man for years who had dental issues. I’m all about quality teeth, so it’s amazing that I let this one slip by. I didn’t realize until we were living together just how bad it was. He always said he was afraid of the dentist, but when his jaw swelled up like a golf ball from an abscess and he still wouldn’t go, I knew it was an issue that wouldn’t get better. His teeth were like Steve Buscemi’s. His lack of hygiene was just too much to overcome.

We all have our little areas that we’re sticklers about. For some it’s hair, for others it’s shaving. And even if you haven’t admitted it to yourself yet, you know what your deal breaker is. Recognize what habits of your man’s you can overlook, and what will be a thorn in your side for the duration of your relationship. Is he worth the negativity you’ll feel every time you see it? And if he’s a metrosexual…well, he might complain about you more.

Question 18 - Do you and your man have the same interest in reading?

2009-08-07T08:00:00.001-07:00

Abby: As I’ve aged, I’ve spent more time watching the relationships of those close to me. I was always amazed that my parents didn’t share a passion for reading, when my dad read constantly. I believe that they would have been even closer if they had shared that hobby. They still have a strong relationship, but I’ve just always thought that they would have been closer if they shared that interest. It often left my mom with nothing but the television as my dad was engulfed in a book. You can’t discuss the plot complexities of a sitcom to the same extent that you can discuss a book. The conversations are just different.

The point here is that it would behoove you to pick a man that shares your interest in reading. If you read, so should he. If you don’t, then it shouldn’t be high up on his list of activities either. What happens when there is a disparity is that the person who reads will constantly be trying to change the other person by sharing something they’ve read. They’ll hope that by seeing how much they enjoy reading, the other will get on the bandwagon. But it just doesn’t happen. It just creates frustration on both sides.

This question came up for me because I’m an avid reader. It wasn’t until years later that I realized how lucky I was to have asked it. My man didn’t read much when we started dating, but that was because no one around him did. He enjoyed it, but he spent his free time with the guys. As he began to spend more time with me, his love for reading blossomed. Now, it’s an activity that we share. We always bring books on trips, visit the library every week, and discuss authors we both enjoy. It has truly added a depth to our relationship. An added benefit is that it reinforces reading to our kids.

Now do we have the same level of interest in reading…no. As I mentioned, I’m avid about it. I’ll finish four books for every one that my man does. I’ll participate in book clubs, read a couple of magazines a week, read every nigh before bed. My man is a more casual reader, reading when he has the time. But it still gets me excited when we discuss a shared character or plot. It’s that shared interest that strengthens our relationship.

Francesca: My man and I do not have the same interest in reading and it's very disappointing and frustrating. I have such a thirst for knowledge and education and he won't take the time to read a sentence of an email if it's too long. As a matter of fact he hates texting because he hates reading!

To me, reading is a part of every day life. I think it's necessary, I think it's a sign of intelligence and I actually think it's a sign of ignorance if you're not a reader. I have tried everything to get my man into reading - I've bought him books on corvettes because he lives for them. I've bought him books on the mob because their history intrigues him. I've tried feeding him books on death and dying because he has been disturbed for 10 years about his father's death. He just doesn't have the interest and won't take the time.

It drives me crazy that reading isn't important to him, I don't get it. It would be so great to look forward to hearing my man's perspective on a novel we've both read. I wish I had thought about how frustrating it would be BEFORE we got married.

Question 17 - Are you ok with your man's level of household cleanliness?

2009-07-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: As your family grows, this is a factor that people don’t take seriously enough. Most couples fight at least once a month about cleaning, not to mention the resentment that lingers and filters into other areas of your relationship.

My man is not especially neat. When we were dating, I refused to even take a shower at his place. YUCK! He’s gotten a little better as he’s gotten older. Better, but still not good. Then again, I’m no clean freak myself. Before we ever got married, we acknowledged the reality of how much time we were willing to allocate to cleaning and decided it was worth paying for a housekeeper rather than fight about it. We were honest with ourselves and each other.

Later, when our first baby was itty-bitty, we were hiking in Utah with a lady who was telling us about her 10 kids. We asked her what her secret was to making it work. She said right away that she always kept a housekeeper. That she would sacrifice other things to keep the housekeeper because it kept her family from erupting.

We really thought about the wisdom in that advice and now have the same practice. Even though my house is full of toys immediately after the housekeeper leaves, at least I know my floors are clean and toilets scrubbed. I can spend time bonding with my man rather than being grumpy about cleaning or feeling like I’m doing more chores than he is. We eliminate that fight completely.

Now, the first response most people have to this is “I can’t afford a housekeeper.” The key here is deciding what your priorities are. For us, getting along was the most important thing. So when we built our budget, the housekeeper was more important than cable, cell phones, DSL, dinner out, movies, buying books, or going to the bar. We would even live in a smaller house just so we didn’t fight about cleaning. Give up soda or switch to the generic brand. Even if it’s once a month, you can probably find the money. Our priority is each other and we will sacrifice whatever it takes so that something as stupid as vacuuming doesn’t tank our relationship.

Francesca: My man is crazy-obsessive about a clean house. He says he likes cleaning but in my opinion he only likes the RESULTS - not necessarily the work it takes to get there.

We have had ONE cleaning lady over the years who can "clean like he does.". Why do I say this you ask? Because he curses and throws shit and bosses everyone around to clean with him whenever he freaking decides its time. I'm not OK with it because it's not done with pleasure and it gets my whole house in a frenzy.

I know you are probably thinking, "SHUT UP!". How dare I complain that my man cleans. You don't understand. I would be grateful and glad if he cleaned out of the goodness of his heart and he was doing it to keep everyone from getting sick or simply to help me out. But he does it for purely selfish reasons - HE can't stand clutter. HE can't take "the filth.". OK I don't think I've ever heard anyone say yea! I'm so excited, clutter and filth are for me bring it on. Find out what your man's household cleaning habits before you even CONSIDER living with him.

Question 16 - Are you OK with the risk involved with staying with a man with an addiction?

2009-07-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: When I first started dating my man, I knew something was odd. I could tell that he had something going on that he wasn’t telling me about, but I didn’t know what it was. We were living in New Orleans, so I didn’t think much of the late nights. I was pretty sure it wasn’t drugs, but eventually I asked what was going on. Turns out, he had developed an addiction to gambling from those late nights. And here I was worried about drugs and alcohol.

I found a Gamblers Anonymous group and he agreed to go with me. I arranged my schedule so that he could take my car to go to meetings. I took over his finances so that if he should slip, he couldn’t do that much damage to himself. In seeing how he dealt with my intervention, I gained a pretty good understanding of the risk I was taking continuing a relationship with him.

Living with an addict is something that will always impact your life. For several years, my man would fall off the wagon every few months and I’d awake in the wee hours and have to go search for him. He was always remorseful and self-loathing and I’d have to help him though it. Even though he hasn’t had an episode in years, there are still nights when he’s out with the guys that I fear he’ll stumble. That fear will never go away. So when you consider your future with your man, consider the feelings that you will carry with you everyday. Is your man worth it?

Francesca: My man has an addiction to misery. It’s true. I didn’t see the signs and I didn’t pay attention to what I should have. With misery comes drama. My man exaggerates most everything and makes a huge deal out of small things or things that could be taken care of with a quick phone call.

Now I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s your typical addiction that I could compare it to like a sexual addiction, an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction. I was OK with the risk associated with his particular addiction because at the time when I met my man I could feed his addiction. I could be part of his addiction. However, 20 years and 3 kids later, the misery and drama is very old to me. I’m numb to it. Like many women, I expected he would “change”, especially after having kids.

Addictions will take the life out of not only the person who has the addiction but everything surrounding it. I’m not OK NOW with risking my sanity, my time, and my emotions on someone who has a hang-up that most likely will never be resolved. Having to “discipline” an adult like a child is pathetic and it gets old fast.

The chance of addict relapsing is extremely high; I think I read only 5% in recovery actually stay clean and sober. Psychologists say, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”, and they are right on. So make sure that you are ok with the worst-case scenario of your man’s addiction.

Question 15 - Are you settling for your man because you're afraid to lose the time you've invested?

2009-07-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: This happens more frequently than not. People are scared to be alone, scared to start over, scared there’s nothing better out there. But that’s just stupid. If you settle, and you know you’re settling, all that will happen is that you’ll end up divorced in a few years. Eventually it will get to you. You will discover that you are worth more than settling.

I dated a man for several years, knowing the whole time that he was not Mr. Right. We lived together, traveled the world, participated in family events together. Everyone assumed we would get married. But I knew we wouldn’t. I needed him while we were together, but knew that eventually I’d be strong enough to stand on my own and leave him. He was what I needed at that time in my life, but never once did I consider settling for someone that I knew wasn’t right for me just because it was convenient and I’d invested years with him.

Francesca: So many people do this! Chris Rock once said, "Life is not short, life is long!!!" Boy is he right. Don't EVER worry about how much time you have invested with your man because you can't get it back. What's done is done. Don't cry over spilt milk and any other phase you can think of that will convince you NOT to think this way. The time you've invested in your man DOESN'T MATTER. It never ever ever ever ever ever ever matters. That's like saying why strive for anything because I've spent all this time having nothing!!! People who accomplish things, move forward, achieve great success or have anything worth having don't get it with this attitude.

Listen I get it that there's something to be said for "wasting" your time but chalk it up to an experience. Chalk it up to if this never happened you wouldn't be who you are. But don't stay with your man because you feel like you have to because time is lost. It would have been lost anyway, you can't stop the clock. No one can.

The best thing to do is use the experience, LEARN from it and don't EVER forget what you've learned from it. Time gets away from you and it's so hard not to think this way. Of course, different situations warrant different action. If you have kids that may add lifeyears to the time you've already invested. Just don't let the mentality of staying BECAUSE you've invested so many years be the ultimate deciding factor.

Question 14 - Are you OK with how many children your man currently has?

2009-07-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: Marrying a man with kids brings with it a whole set of issues. What role will you play? Are you ready to be a parent? How will the kids respond to you? Will there be a relationship with the mother? It adds a level of stress to a marriage. You need to consider if you’re ready to jump into that level of complexity in your first year of marriage.

This was a deal-breaker for me. I refused to even date men who had children. I did not want to entertain the possibility of getting serious with a man who had that baggage. The key here is that I knew how I felt about it. I wasn’t going to get myself into a situation I’d regret. My friends are shocked at how absolute I was about it, considering how much of a mom I am now.

For many people, it’s not an issue and they love their man’s kids. But make sure you know how you feel. Really ask yourself what your feelings are so you go into a relationship being true to yourself.

Francesca: Children are a HUGE undertaking and even more-so when they're someone else's. I have an acquaintance who accepted 3 tween/teenage girls and a son into her life unexpectedly and to me she is a saint. Their biological mom pretty much told her new husband. "Here you go, they're all yours!" and this woman has stepped up to the plate in a way that I so admire. She also wound up having a son of her own!

Because these kids were rejected by their own mother they really appreciate their "new mom" but many situations are not like this. There are ex's and childcare arrangements and arguing and child support and then comes the love and attention that children need (and deserve - they didn't ask to be brought into this world), it's exhausting just thinking about it.

The MINUTE you find out someone you are with has kids RUN. Just kidding, don't run but think about truly whether or not you will be able to be a parent to his kids. If you're considering settling down with someone, their kids are going to be a part of your life too.

Also, if your man doesn't have a relationship with his kids consider that too because then he's not a man at all. There are no excuses like "She didn't let me see them"; there is only laziness and that's a great indication of what you have to look forward to if you have kids with him.

Question 13 - Is your man's race an issue?

2009-07-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: You’d think in this day and age that race wouldn’t be an issue, but it still is. Only 5% of marriages are interracial. So you could still face some difficult conversations and decisions if your man is a different race. Not only might you discover that your family is less approving, but you might discover that you come from a background of unspoken racism. Some people would rather not face those issues and should choose a man accordingly.

My man is of a different race and I remember being nervous about introducing my parents to him. Now I’m hard-headed enough that I was prepared for a fight should one arise. My mid-western family was very accepting and in a weird way, almost bragged about it. However, my mother’s parents were not accepting. I made the decision that I did not need their racist views in my life and was comfortable excluding them from my life. I went years without speaking to them. My mother even stopped talking to them because of their views. It was several years down the road that they reached and asked if they could see me and meet my husband. Yes, you read that right…they had never even met him yet had deemed him unworthy. I made the hard choice of my man over my grandparents. If your man is of a different race, you’ll need to consider how hard you’re willing to fight those that matter the most to you.

Another aspect of interracial marriage to consider is the impact it will have on your children. Mixed kids often struggle with identity issues, not feeling a part of either race. You’ll need to work harder than same race parents to keep your kids confident. Is that something you’re willing to face to be with your man?

Francesca: I have to be honest, dating is one thing but settling down with someone of a different race is something entirely different. I know of someone now who just had a baby with a man of another race and all I can think of is what lies ahead for her. I'm not saying it's not worth it but for me it would be too much to handle. There are other things I would rather have to worry about.

We all know by now that Francesca is a little selfish... and vain... OK back to the question maybe it was engrained in my head to just not go there. Again, dating is one thing but committing to someone of a different race is another. Just thinking about the stares or the questions that would be asked as a result of other people's curiosity is too much for someone who worries A LOT about what other people think.

You have to be super secure in your own skin and really educated on what to anticipate from society. Sure, people are more open to it but there are always going to be ignorant, mean people out there who won't hesitate to make snide comments or point their finger at you and those are OUTSIDERS who feel comfortable enough to do that!

Think long and hard about whether or not you AND your man would make it through the hardships of a bi-racial relationship because relationships are complicated WITHOUT factoring this into the picture.

Question 12 - Is your man's religion an issue?

2009-06-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

Francesca: I am half-Italian & half-Polish and was adopted into a Jewish family. They tried sending me to Hebrew school (yes they tried sending Francesca to Hebrew school - can you believe it), they tried feeding me herring and they tried to make me give a sermon at Passover. I can be a spokesperson about someone who was forced into a religion and wasn’t having any of it.

Like everything else, religion can be a big part of your relationship or it can be a small part of your relationship. I’m not saying anything bad about Jewish people or the religion; it just wasn’t for me. And because I felt that way, I felt shameful, embarrassed, hypocritical and confused whenever I was exposed to it. If your man’s religion is an issue for you, it will never go away. Religion is not something you can ignore; you are what you are, you are what you believe and who I am to tell you any different? Who am I to tell my man what I think he should believe? For many people, religion is what their life-long beliefs are about. If you have an issue with your man’s belief system, then you have an issue with your man all around and how do you think that’s going to play out? Not good.

I am in no way saying compromises can’t be made. I was baptized in a Baptist church and my husband’s Catholic and was an altar boy. In our case, religion isn’t an issue because my man spent so much time in the Church he could care less if he ever sees one again. I grew up fighting a religion that was forced on me so I made an adult choice on the general Christianity I practice today. Religion is not a focus in our lives, but if it made a difference to my husband I would have taken Catholicism classes and became Catholic. Religion is a tricky thing; someone has to be willing to bend and if your man’s religion is an issue and you’re not the compromising type be prepared to walk.

Abby: Religion is a very sensitive subject for many people. There are varying levels of religious commitment and then there are the family issues that revolve around religion.

To give yourself the best chance at a successful marriage, you would want to marry someone who had the same values and moral convictions. Those don’t necessarily need to be oriented around a religion, but they should be compatible. If you’re not a zealot, then you probably won’t mind mingling with other religions as long as they tolerate yours. If you were to have kids, you’d want to agree with your spouse about what religion to pass on to the kids.

If you are heavily engrained within an established religion, you’re probably best served to marry a man who is too. If you’re plan is to try to change your man’s beliefs and views, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Also, you need to very seriously consider the family component. I have a Jewish friend who married a Christian and it ripped his family apart. He all but lost contact with his parents because they had explosive fights with every conversation. The constant tension revolving around religion put additional pressure on his new marriage. While all of these things can be overcome, my advice is to try to avoid as many hurdles as possible when setting out on a marriage.

Question 11 - Is your man fiscally responsible?

2009-06-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

Francesca: Money is no joke. We all hear it; finances are the number one thing couples fight about. You have to believe there is some serious validity to that claim. Take the time to pay attention to any financial habits that could contribute to your demise. Having a fiscally responsible man won’t ensure your happiness but it can make your life a hell of a lot easier. Remember, judgment about everything gets clouded when you’re in love or lust – pick up on signs early, can you imagine being “had” by a man and losing things you’ve worked hard for that have taken time to accumulate because your man wasn’t fiscally responsible. Hell no, don’t let it happen.

First, be in control of your money before you even think about combining cash and assets.

Second, if you see your man spending money like a rock star on the income of entry level supervisor take it as a red flag that you will be in debt before you can say the word bankruptcy. If your man squeaks when he walks take that as a red flag that any purchase you make is going to be scrutinized and you are going to go from those pumps you buy at Macy’s to plastic flats from Payless. Observation in this area is key and don’t assess him during the wooing stages. If you’re serious about him, assess him after 6 months; by then you should have a good feel for his use of a card versus cash, his income versus his spending habits and indications of any irresponsibility on his part.

My man is a stronger money manager than I am but he also has some squeak-age going on which he refers to as frugality. Thankfully, my man instilled some very good money management practices in me to the point where I conveniently handle all of our finances. While I appreciate and value everything I learned from him, as an adult I don’t appreciate being hassled about every purchase I make especially when we’re equal breadwinners

I can’t have an “emergency stash” because my man is like a detective and not like the one on Get Smart and if he realized I had an emergency stash he would equate that to my hiding other things from him. But I’m smart enough to know that I should and if you can pull it off I would definitely recommend it. Make yourself number one.

Abby: People can be savers or spenders and still be fiscally responsible. It’s all about balance. It’s also something a man can learn.

Having a man that’s a spender can be a little scarier than having a man that’s a saver, but that can be very frustrating too. Spenders can get in debt that is way over their heads. They can cause a family to not be able to reach goals, like buying a house. They can threaten the safety of a family by spending the rent money on the wrong things. Having a saver can cause you to have your financial safety cushion, but feel poor. It’s like having a big house but not being able to afford to go out to dinner; you’ve created your own prison.

When I met my man, he was not fiscally responsible. He blew his money going out every night. It was so bad that he could not afford to buy his own soap! At one point, he told me he was going to move out of state, back with his parents, because he just couldn’t handle the party scene in New Orleans. I forced him to move in with me and I took over his financial situation. It was extreme at first, but he needed serious help. I gave him an allowance and took the rest of his paychecks to pay of his bills. As the months went by, we discussed the progress he was making financially, and slowly he was allowed more control over his finances. The big issues with him were that he didn’t know very much about finances, had never made as much money as he was then, and had never been in an environment that partied around the clock. It was a perfect storm and it almost took him down.

My story had a happy ending, but that was because my man admitted that he needed help. If he had hidden it from me or was pig headed enough to not allow someone to help, we might not have made it. We would have constantly had stress regarding how much debt he was creating. That would have been a horrible way to live. You need to have conversations about finances with your man before you consider marriage. You need to understand each other’s behaviors and how you will each respond to the other’s weaknesses. If he’s not willing to have these talks with you, then he’s probably not willing to be a financial partner with you, which is a weak foundation for marriage. Knowledge is the key to success in this area.

Question 10 - Does your man play cards or games?

2009-06-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: This question first came up because I happen to love games. It's a tradition in my family to play something when we get together, so I thought it was important to have a man how would fit right in. I had exes that didn't play games and it was awkward. I didn't realize how lucky I was that I picked a man who plays.

When you have kids, you need a man who enjoys playing games with them. Monopoly can save a rainy day. More importantly, it means you're more likely to grow old together. Evidence suggests that people who spend stretches of their days engrossed in mental activities like cards may be at reduced risk of developing dementia. Hard to believe I'm suggesting you pick a man now who's more likely to be lucid when he's old, but you might only get one shot at this, so pick wisely.

Francesca: The way a man plays a game can say a lot about them. Does he get angry when he loses or isn’t doing well? Does your man feel comfortable enough with you to let his guard down and just play a recreational game without severe competitiveness or does everything have to be a competition? Pay attention to the behavior demonstrated when your man plays a game to get a better sense of what he’s all about. It might sound silly but “true colors” come out during the strangest scenarios.

For me, games are a distraction, a reason not to clean, a time to zone in on “family fun” even if it only lasts 5-10 minutes before the kids starting fighting again. Maybe it’s just a taste of what life used to be like pre-kids and even pre-marriage when you were dating when most everything you did was for fun.

I always like to shake hands with a person after a game is over whether I win or lose; I think it’s a sign of good showmanship and respect for the other person. I swear that word “showmanship” reminds me of Paula Abdul on American Idol – the producers might have to spend hours or even days trying to figure out how many times she’s used that word! Red flags about your man are everywhere. Pay attention to small things like how he behaves when playing a game; it’s a hint at what else he might be competitive about.

I’ve always loved playing games whether it’s a simple game of “hangman” with my daughter, “Trouble” which is our favorite family game, or Scrabble with my man. But I have to tell you, my man takes game playing to a whole other level. I am actually afraid to win; he’s not necessarily a “sore loser” but his intensity and competitiveness can really take away from the joy of a simple game. You can’t blame a person for wanting to win but when you’re talking about playing “Trouble” with your 5 year old and your man is give strategic advice to him while planning his next move, it could dampen what you want to get out of the whole point of playing a game.

Question 9 - Do you and your man want a similarly sized family?

2009-06-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: Babies can be tough on marriages. Second, third, and further babies are even harder. The last thing you want is to get into a marriage where you and your man don’t have the same concept of what makes a family. If he wants a large family, but you think you can only handle one, you need to work through it before he starts putting pressure on you to take on more than you can handle. Or he might not want any and you're hearing tick, tick. Because when it comes to kids, once you have them, there’s no changing your mind!

Not only do you need to agree on how large of a family you want, you also need to agree on what you will do if you can’t get pregnant. Conversely, what will you do if you have an accident or two?

My man and I planned out when we thought we’d be ready to start a family. We were also in agreement that if we didn’t have kids, that would be ok. We had no plans to undergo IVF should that situation arise. We were surprised at how quickly we got pregnant and how much we enjoyed our son. We agreed that it would be fun to have another one. Even more importantly, we agree that if the number of kids becomes too cumbersome, we’ll stop. People tell us we’re crazy everyday for being so open about it. But being on the same page as a couple has eliminated the frustration when someone in the relationship is hearing the clock tick.

Francesca: I was never a person who gravitated toward babies or kids even when I was a kid. I never walked up to babies and thought or said, “oh how cute!” I actually never paid any mind to them at all. My vision of life was bartending in Manhattan and living a free single life and I’m sure we all have visions. Needless to say, you fall in love or lust or whatever you want to call it and things change your mind and take over.

My man accused me of not wanting kids before we had any because I was “afraid of the work.” When he said that to me, I was young and dumb and thought I would prove him wrong. But you know what, it IS a lot of work. There are good moments but there are also a lot of not so good moments and a lot of stress. And that’s not to say that I won’t be thankful I had all of my kids later on in life and there are so many facets to parenting you won’t even know if you did a good job until you are in your grave. HEED MY WORDS: THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE FAMILY YOU WANT.

It was very important to my man to have a son “to carry on his name.” So what do you think happened? I had 2 girls before I had my son. In addition, one of the reasons I even had my first daughter was because I thought that would make my man want me more and stay with me. Don’t have kids because you want just a boy or just a girl because most likely you will get the opposite sex of what you wanted and you’ll keep trying until you get the sex of the child you want and is that really a reason to have children?

I am not maternal and I knew it, but I went against this because my husband wanted to “fill our house up with kids.” Sure, because I was going to be there to do most of the work in addition to working full time so we could live a certain lifestyle. Have kids not for the idea alone of having them but have them because you truly want to take care of another human being, teach them things, watch them grow and you have a tremendous amount of patience. Having kids is NO JOKE. It’s hard work and oftentimes goes unappreciated and unrecognized. There’s no paycheck either for it.

Before you start a family know who’s going to get up at night, who is going to drop off and pick up from childcare of who is going to watch the baby when you work, who is going to be the disciplinarian and what disciplinary techniques are you going to use. There are so many questions do your homework before you take the step of bringing in children to a world that is already challenged in so many ways.

Question 8 - Do you have a hobby that you do as a couple?

2009-05-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: Experts say that shared challenges and exciting diversions are what make relationships hot long after the wedding gown has been packed up and stored away. And the opposite, boredom and a dull, daily routine, can kill a marriage, squashing intimacy and romance. Researchers find that bored spouses had a higher tendency to divorce. Since you're trying to determine if you're man is Mr. Right, this is something you should consider.

My man and I discovered this one long ago when we watched his parents become so involved in their own hobbies that they grew apart from each other. We determined that we would make sure we continued to do a hobby together throughout our lives. For us, we ballroom dance. We have to juggle our schedules to fit it in, but we do it.

Once, when I was considering quitting because we were too busy, my man said,"If we quit now, I think we'll regret it in five years." That stopped me in my tracks and I knew he was right. Now, every time it feels like too much, we think about how we would feel about our decision in a few years. It keeps us at it. Given that even after all these years of lessons, we still aren't very good, we need to keep at it!

Francesca: I've developed a love for cooking because my man is Italian and I knew if I was going to stay with him I would have to be a good cook. This is coming from a half Polish-half Italian girl who was actually raised by a Jewish family!

The reason I bring this up is because from a practical perspective it would be great if you and your man either already have or veer toward a hobby that will benefit your family if you're planning to have one. Cooking with my man is pretty cool even if he does take the credit when it comes out great. For those of you following Francesca and her man you know this is exactly what happens. Your entire family gets to benefit from your great food so your hobby becomes a win-win.

My only recommendation is to limit the amount of time you spend with your man on your hobby because too much of anything is no good plus it makes it special when you do find the time. I use the "I don't have time" reason for a lot of things but I can't see how a couple having a hobby together could push you apart unless you become a competitive jerk in which case whatever you're doing would no longer be considered a hobby! Don't make your man's hobby yours though.

Question 7 - Does your man have a hobby of his own?

2009-05-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: For the same reason you should have a hobby, so should your man. You don’t want him to become boring. You don’t want the only thing you have to talk about to become the kids. He needs to stay active and involved with something.

That said, be wary of the man with too many hobbies. My friend’s husband has so many hobbies, he doesn’t have time for his family. Recently she was laid up in bed, yet he couldn’t cancel his tennis game to take care of the kids. He is an example of living a single married life. He has so many hobbies, his relationship with my friend is more like that of a boss to his personal assistant or housekeeper.

So make sure that your man has a hobby of his own but that he’s not out of control.

Francesca: My advice is to know yourself well and I mean know yourself. You don't want to spend your life feeling as if you have no control over your time. If you look at your man and think he is controlling in any way about anything think long term. If you know you are a people pleaser BE CAREFUL because you will wind up being the one who gives up your hobbies so that your man can still have his.

Resentment is such an ugly feeling and one that can consume you. Make a conscious decision to NEVER neglect yourself. Marry someone who "worships" you - be the worshipEE not the worshippER! If you have a hobby at a young age that is a passion for you make it "a term and condition" of any relationship you are in.

Once you start giving up the small things in life you start losing yourself and the end result of that in my experience is never good. Get control and stay in control of your life. Make things happen, don't let life happen to you. If you practice this early on in your young relationships, the practice will set the stage for the remainder.

Question 6 - Does your man encourage you to have a hobby that you do by yourself?

2009-05-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: For your marriage to last, you need to stay interesting to your man. As time goes by, your ability to maintain conversations with him will become more important. If you don’t have anything to talk about besides what you do together, you’ll be dull and he’ll lose interest. That leads to him finding other people more interesting and preferring to spend his time with them. That’s never a good thing. You need to make sure that you keep up with your own interests, whatever they are.

This also ensures that you continue to grow as a person. This is another important part of a healthy marriage because if he continues to grow and you stagnate, you’ll end up growing apart. That is what causes people to divorce after 30 years. I've discussed this concept with my man as we watch people we know divorce. As we look deeper into how couples we know have matured, it becomes apparent when one or both partners lapsed into the mundane. Idle hands are the devil's playground. Partners get into trouble when they aren't growing.

Now you might argue, when do I have time. The harsh reality is that you need to swap something you are currently spending time on for time spent on a hobby. Even if it's just once a month, do something. Go to a pottery class, read, take a cooking class, bowl, play canasta, play tennis. Just get out there so that you have something that you do that makes your man wonder, what's she doing right now. Keeping the mystery alive will keep the magic in your marriage alive.

Francesca: If your man encourages you to have a hobby that has nothing to do with him that would indicate to me he has a good level of security with himself. It's very dangerous when your man wants you all to himself. All too often you see women give up what's important to them outside of their relationship to "spend more time" with their man. If you plan to stay with your man, you have the rest of your life to spend with him and I don't think an hour of yoga twice a week is going to kill your relationship.

If your man discourages you to have hobbies take it as a red flag as someone who may wind up being very controlling. But also make sure it's not YOU who is discouraging YOURSELF and then later on whine about what you "gave up" for your man. Just because your man sighs or hems and haws when you tell him you’ve decided to take up hula dancing at 35 doesn't mean he doesn't want you to do it; it might mean he's just seeing what he can get away with.

Question 5 - Do you tolerate things because your man is so hot?

2009-05-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: We all enjoy the eye candy and being the object of envy when we’re out with a hot man. Unfortunately, those feel good times can cause us to overlook things that would be deal breakers for the average man. A hot man can cause us to sway from our values or allow ourselves to be treated with less respect than we deserve. And so often, we know we’re doing it! We feel grateful to have been picked by a hot man and we don’t want to rock the boat.

When I was in college, I was dating the catch of the campus. He was starring as Hamlet and was the talk of the town. Needless to say, our relationship evolved into me being a girlfriend of convenience. As his stardom grew, so did the number of girls. And I knew it. But I stuck with him, even when a girl would come to his door at midnight! How was I showing myself any respect? I put up with it for far too long, all because he was hot.

A man will rarely change his stripes, so be aware that anything you overlook now will need to be overlooked for your entire marriage. For example, if you're not willing to be shown less respect for the next 30 years, then your hot man isn't Mr. Right. So, the moral to the story is...a hot man is not marriage material just because he’s hot. That’s a bonus when he passes the test!

Francesca: I do it and it’s a very poor habit to get into. Once you set the tone for this he’s going to figure it out and play on it. Human nature says most will do whatever they can get away with. Also referred to as pushing the envelope, taking a yard when you’re given an inch and plain old taking advantage!

It also depends on what phase of the relationship you’re in. The more kids you have the more looks fade because you don’t really have time or patience for the once so-called charm your hot man would use to get away with things. In the beginning of our relationship, my man’s hotness was the end-all. I wanted him because he was hot, I thought whatever he did was right because he was hot, I accepted all of his flaws (my attention was diverted away from because once again, he was hot) and so on and so forth.

Now be clear on this, my man, 20 years later, continues to be hot and has an extremely high hotness level of which I am certain many women would attest. I still tolerate a lot of his crap because he’s hot, but the time and patience for things I once tolerated has dwindled down. In hindsight, I shouldn't have allowed it at all.

Question 4 - Are you embarrassed to walk into a room with your man?

2009-05-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: I had never really thought that much about looks being an important characteristic in choosing a man. I figured that if I had chemistry, something must be appealing, even if he wasn’t traditionally good-looking.

That all changed one day when I was walking into a party with an ex and was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because this ex was petite. I could fight him, and win. It was at that moment that I knew that I had a height requirement. I had to be honest with myself and respect that I was innately more attracted to a man that was between 5’10 and 6’2 (I’m petite myself). I would always be embarrassed to be seen with him because he wasn’t getting any taller.

That criteria doesn’t work for everyone. I don’t think you truly know what your instincts say until you feel embarrassed to walk into a room because of your man’s appearance. You might feel that way about hair, weight, nose, whatever. But when you know, you know. And you shouldn’t ignore it. What you find embarrassing will not change. Who wants to live with a lifetime of not wanting to be seen with your man?

Francesca: Are you kidding? One of the reasons I married him in the first place because he was (and still is) eye candy. I am an extremely vain person so I couldn’t have it any other way but to look forward to walking into a room with my man. If this isn’t a “red flag” what is? If I could tell a computer to generate for me exactly what I wanted my man to look like and the type of aura he gives off it would be my man!

Now there are huge sacrifices in selecting a man based on looks and a cocky attitude and believe me, I’ve paid (and am paying) the price for this. Would I recommend it? No. Did I do it? Yes. My man can walk into a room and command authority. He is an initiator and dominator of conversations. To me, this is very sexy.

Of course, he has faults just like anyone else and being with someone above average looking usually comes with a price. There are studies that show good-looking people have more problems, probably because they have more choices in life and I’m not saying that this is right or wrong – it just is. We know what kind of society we live in. Susan Boyle is a great example of the stereotyping associated with looks and demeanor. Bottom line, if you are embarrassed to walk into a room with your man, huge red flag and he will know it and feel it but may ignore it to avoid rejection.

Question 3 - Do you and your man have the same attitude about drugs?

2009-04-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: This one can be a killer as your relationship matures. If your attitude is anti-drug use, you should not marry a man who uses drugs. Conversely, if you use drugs, you shouldn't marry a man who doesn't. You can't change people, so you need to be comfortable with the behaviors that they have and assume they'll be that way for the long haul.

If you assume your man smokes pot but will grow out of it when you have kids, you're setting yourself up for failure. He might, but he might not. And you need to be comfortable living with the might not. If you really can't see yourself with a man who smokes pot when he's 50 or could be too stoned to help you care for your baby, then you don't want to marry that man.

What made me think about it is I used to have a boyfriend who smoked pot with his mom. Her husband was cool with that. Would you be? Most people have a definitive yes or no to that question. Whichever it is, it needs to be the same as your man.

Francesca: He SMOKED POT WITH HIS MOM???

Smoking pot is retarded because it makes you retarded. No I would not be OK if my man smoked pot regularly. However, if he smoked “once in a while” I might not mind. If you’re not on the same page about drug usage with your man than be on the lookout for many arguments to come.

And don’t forget, many people are abusing prescribed drugs as well. Drugs in general are stupid and I feel really sorry for people who get addicted. This can happen at any time so even if you and your man agree on drug usage this can change at any time just like anything else if he puts himself in situations where his beliefs can be compromised.

Question 2 - Does your man have a college degree?

2009-04-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: This is a mandatory one in my book for three reasons. First, a man with a college degree will statistically earn more over his lifetime. This recession has also emphasized the difference in the earning power of a college degree because the unemployment rate for the college educated is near 4%, about half that of the general population. Since finances are the most common thing that causes couples to fight, you should set yourself up for success. By picking a man with a college degree, you are decreasing your odds of misery caused by money. You won't eliminate the money issues, but you'll at least decrease them. And the goal here is to help you determine if the guy you think is fabulous now will be the guy you think is fabulous in 50 years.

The second reason it's important is that college educated people are more likely to associate with other college educated people. This allows you and your man access to a network to help you achieve your goals, whatever they might be.

The last reason is that he'll have more to talk about. While you might not be doing much talking now, trust me, when you're old, this will be really important.

Francesca: Finishing college does mean something. Your man should have a college degree especially if you have one. If you finished college than you know it takes commitment. Listen it's an accomplishment to be proud of that not everyone can say they've done. Even if he doesn't know what he's going to do with the degree he has, even if he's not doing what he went to college for the bottom line is he went and he has something to fall back on if his other plans fall through.

Studies show people with a college degree earn more than someone without one. Being the breadwinner isn't a bad thing IF you have a choice in whether or not you're the one bringing home bank. Once you get involved with someone and have kids, you are in danger of letting things "fall into place." And that place might be where you don't have the choice on who the breadwinner is going to be which is where the pressure begins to have it all and do it all and guess who's "doing it all"? YOU.

Alright this is just my opinion but I bet I could find a hell of a lot of women who say it appears as though they take care of the kids more, worry more and take on a bigger load than their man. Having a college degree sure doesn't guarantee anything but a man with a labor intensive job which are a lot of jobs college isn't required can have a huge argument to be tired all the time. I've heard this before - you have a desk job what are you tired about? Wow have I gone off on a tangent or what!

Question 1 - Does your man want to be with you?

2009-04-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Abby: This may seem like a given, but we’ve all experienced the feeling when someone just doesn’t care when they see us next, or vice versa. I’m not talking about does he want to see you again after the first date; I’m talking about when you’ve been dating for months and are wondering about your future with him. If he isn’t looking forward to seeing you soon, you’ve got a problem. He’s just not that into you, and that is not something that improves with time.

I learned this lesson when I was dating a guy that seemed fabulous according to all of the criteria in my test that I had established thus far. He was successful, attractive, and fun. I could have continued dating him for months, maybe even married him. But I just had the sense that this wasn’t the full package. That was when it hit me. I was a catch to him, someone who would make a good wife, help his career, and impress his family. As he was talking about me moving into his penthouse, it occurred to me that I’d be setting myself for a lonely life where my husband wasn’t my companion. Plus, when he doesn’t care if you’re around early in the relationship, when sparks are flying, you can bet his eye will wander and you’ll be faced with a cheater. It’s mandatory in my book that my man want to be with me.

Francesca: We see it time after time that women totally "fail" to see the "signs" of when your man is cheating on you, when he becomes disinterested in you, or when he plain just doesn't care. It is so obvious when a man doesn't want to be with you. I'm sure there are those rare instances where people get absolutely sideswiped but for the most part, I believe we don't fail to see the signs; I believe we consciously choose to ignore the signs.

Rejection sucks, nobody likes it and nobody wants to be the victim of it. Some people say the number one greatest fear in life in public speaking; I disagree - I think it's rejection. That's why people choose to ignore the signs. If you acknowledge the fact that a man has become disinterested in you that would imply you are no longer in control of the situation (which you are not) which means there is great chance you are going to be rejected. So you do whatever you can to salvage what is left of what is inevitably going to end anyway. We drag it out.

How great would it be to just say to a man, you know what? You are totally uninterested in this relationship - don't lie, don't deny it and don't make excuses because I KNOW your priorities lie elsewhere. This is where the game comes in. The minute you do that guess what? You are in control. So what most men do is make excuses, deny, deny deny and then so goes the dragging it out part. Why do men get so many chances? Why can't we just know it's not right and walk away for good? No matter how it happens, it still hurts.

When someone wants to be with you, you know it. You know it in your brain, you know it in your heart, you know it in your bones, and you just know it. Same way "you just know it" when your man doesn't want to be with you, only admitting it when he doesn't is the tricky part.