Question 21 - Would you leave your man if he gained 50 lbs?

Francesca: I would not be OK with ME gaining 50 pounds so why would I be OK with MY MAN gaining 50 pounds. I’m sorry but it is hard enough to make a relationship work without having to worry that man is letting himself turn into a big fat blob. I mean, come on, how could that be OK?

I get that the older you get it gets harder and harder to keep the weight off; I’m there myself right now. I get that when you’re “comfortable” and “happy” in your relationship you relax a little bit and eating together can become a social thing that both of you enjoy but someone has to set the standard and if it has to be the woman who does (as usual) then so be it. There is just no excuse, unless it’s due to some medical condition, to gain a significant amount of weight.

Thin has always been in, I don’t care what anyone says. I want to be thin, I want my man to be thin, and if it takes eating less and exercising more than so be it. My man would also not be OK with my gaining 50 pounds, which has really made me be conscious so that I don’t let that happen and I’m OK with him not being OK with me gaining weight because it keeps me motivated.

Your man should want to look good for you and you should want to look good for your man. I’m trying to impress my man and my man should be trying to impress me. If your man or you stop caring about weight gain, other important things will stop too, like sex. That said, would I leave him if he did? No.

Abby: My man looked at my mom and asked himself he would be OK with me looking like that in 30 years. He decided he was prepared for that, but he went into it knowing what could come. I was truly impressed when he told me that as we discussed this question.

I did not have the foresight that my man did. My man was hot when we started dating. He had even done a little modeling. I never thought much about how he would age. He’s 50 pounds heavier now than he was a decade ago. And the poor guy gains as much pregnancy weight as I do! Luckily, he loses it just as fast. He looks good, but now I worry about his health. I find that he feeds off my habits, so I feel extra responsibly to live a healthy lifestyle.

When I was younger, this question never would have occurred to me. It’s so easy to assume that you’ll be fit and hot forever. But as I get older, I notice the people around me more. The average woman gains 5 pounds per year. It takes regular exercise and a balanced diet to keep that from happening. And that takes work. And most people don’t do the work. We live in an obese nation, so you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think the odds are stacked against you staying thin.

So you need to be real about what your man, and you, will look like down the road. You need to discuss what your daily lifestyle will look like if you plan to commit to staying at a healthy weight. And if you are not OK with the possibility that your man could gain 50 pounds, he needs to know that. If you would leave your man because he got flabby, he needs to know that your love for him has a contingency. Then he can go into it eyes wide open and decide if he can live with that and if he wants to live with you.

Question 20 - Do you agree with your man's expectations of the role each of you will play?

Francesca: I am 100% absolutely not OK with our roles. I am a career woman, a mom and a wife and my personality is that I have to be good at everything to feel good about myself. With a passion for my career, three kids (because my man wanted a big family) and "wife" duties I nearly drop dead by the end of the night.

My man refers to dishes and other types of household duties as "a bitch’s job." Sometimes I can't believe the total crap that comes out of his mouth. That's what I get for marrying an Italian man raised in a completely traditional Italian home. Not only that but he is the youngest of four so he was completely babied. Of course, I am sure he is 100% satisfied with the roles we each play because he benefits big time by my wanting to do it all and be it all and he never blinks an eye. Even though I might work all day just like him, he expects a plate of food to be put directly in front of him.

I have so much anger and resentment about his expectations half the time I'm thinking about how I can poison him so he has a quick death. I don't believe most men have the ability to successfully take care of children so if you plan on having any kids you better have a serious talk about who's getting up at night, who's changing diapers and how you are going to manage your relationship and deal with the stresses of having children for the next 18 years. The roles each of you will play should be discussed repeatedly until it's memorized by both you and your man so there's no confusion. If you want equality, you had better be loud and clear about it.

Abby: Gender roles still exist and they have caught many a couple off guard. People don’t always realize the deep seeded beliefs they hold. Many women, even successful executives, have every expectation of staying home with the kids. This can shock a man who married a professional. Conversely, some career women are not too happy with the expectation that they stay home. Then there are the gender issues of who makes more money or if a man wants to stay home. It can cause many battles if you don’t figure out where you stand and make sure your man understands your position.

When my man and I went through premarital counseling, we participated in a weekend for engaged couples. This was one of the questions raised. We got such a chuckle out of how many couples had opposite views on what their roles would be. They hadn’t even discussed it and were weeks away from getting married!

My man has always considered me a professional, as have I. We were talking the other day about how many people were asking me when I’d stop working during my latest pregnancy. He stopped dead in his tracks when he thought I was planning to stay home. While the confusion only lasted for about five seconds, it really reinforced that we had the same understanding of our roles. Neither of us is the stay at home type. We actually get concerned that our nanny will go crazy staying with the kids all of the time. So even though we get plenty of pressure and judgment from society, we remain consistently on the same page with each other.

Question 19 - Are you ok with your man's personal hygiene?

Francesca: Yes I'm one of those girls where if my man does something hygiene-wise (or otherwise) that grosses me out it will be really difficult for me to get past it. One of the first things I did was make sure my man's chest was hair-less. If it wasn't he was shaving it and he does until this day.

This started from when I was very young and I have no idea why I'm like this. When I was about 14 I was "dating" this guy and we were all hanging out after roller skating and we went to McDonald's. One of the guys put a french fry up his nose and tossed it and guess who didn't see and ate it? Yep, my boyfriend. I was just so devastated I couldn't even imagine kissing a guy who ate a french fry that was stuck up somebody else's nose.

If my man has any hygiene issues like smelly armpits, bad breath or a hairy chest I'm outta there in a hurry. I swear, I have known my man for 20-plus years and I can't think of anything he's done hygiene-wise that's grossed me out. He's meticulous about his hygiene and I wouldn't have it any other way. Seriously a guy who doesn't properly clip his toenails? Not having it. A guy with ear hairs, nose hairs or, the absolute worst, back hair? Not having it. It may sound mean but guys you need to keep yourself clean.

Abby: Hygiene is something that you don’t notice until later into a relationship. When you first start dating, everyone is on their best behavior. As you become more comfortable, you start to slack off, let little hairs grow in odd places. It’s then that you need to really make sure that you’re ok with your man’s level of personal maintenance.

I dated a man for years who had dental issues. I’m all about quality teeth, so it’s amazing that I let this one slip by. I didn’t realize until we were living together just how bad it was. He always said he was afraid of the dentist, but when his jaw swelled up like a golf ball from an abscess and he still wouldn’t go, I knew it was an issue that wouldn’t get better. His teeth were like Steve Buscemi’s. His lack of hygiene was just too much to overcome.

We all have our little areas that we’re sticklers about. For some it’s hair, for others it’s shaving. And even if you haven’t admitted it to yourself yet, you know what your deal breaker is. Recognize what habits of your man’s you can overlook, and what will be a thorn in your side for the duration of your relationship. Is he worth the negativity you’ll feel every time you see it? And if he’s a metrosexual…well, he might complain about you more.

Question 18 - Do you and your man have the same interest in reading?

Abby: As I’ve aged, I’ve spent more time watching the relationships of those close to me. I was always amazed that my parents didn’t share a passion for reading, when my dad read constantly. I believe that they would have been even closer if they had shared that hobby. They still have a strong relationship, but I’ve just always thought that they would have been closer if they shared that interest. It often left my mom with nothing but the television as my dad was engulfed in a book. You can’t discuss the plot complexities of a sitcom to the same extent that you can discuss a book. The conversations are just different.

The point here is that it would behoove you to pick a man that shares your interest in reading. If you read, so should he. If you don’t, then it shouldn’t be high up on his list of activities either. What happens when there is a disparity is that the person who reads will constantly be trying to change the other person by sharing something they’ve read. They’ll hope that by seeing how much they enjoy reading, the other will get on the bandwagon. But it just doesn’t happen. It just creates frustration on both sides.

This question came up for me because I’m an avid reader. It wasn’t until years later that I realized how lucky I was to have asked it. My man didn’t read much when we started dating, but that was because no one around him did. He enjoyed it, but he spent his free time with the guys. As he began to spend more time with me, his love for reading blossomed. Now, it’s an activity that we share. We always bring books on trips, visit the library every week, and discuss authors we both enjoy. It has truly added a depth to our relationship. An added benefit is that it reinforces reading to our kids.

Now do we have the same level of interest in reading…no. As I mentioned, I’m avid about it. I’ll finish four books for every one that my man does. I’ll participate in book clubs, read a couple of magazines a week, read every nigh before bed. My man is a more casual reader, reading when he has the time. But it still gets me excited when we discuss a shared character or plot. It’s that shared interest that strengthens our relationship.

Francesca: My man and I do not have the same interest in reading and it's very disappointing and frustrating. I have such a thirst for knowledge and education and he won't take the time to read a sentence of an email if it's too long. As a matter of fact he hates texting because he hates reading!

To me, reading is a part of every day life. I think it's necessary, I think it's a sign of intelligence and I actually think it's a sign of ignorance if you're not a reader. I have tried everything to get my man into reading - I've bought him books on corvettes because he lives for them. I've bought him books on the mob because their history intrigues him. I've tried feeding him books on death and dying because he has been disturbed for 10 years about his father's death. He just doesn't have the interest and won't take the time.

It drives me crazy that reading isn't important to him, I don't get it. It would be so great to look forward to hearing my man's perspective on a novel we've both read. I wish I had thought about how frustrating it would be BEFORE we got married.