Question 8 - Do you have a hobby that you do as a couple?

Abby: Experts say that shared challenges and exciting diversions are what make relationships hot long after the wedding gown has been packed up and stored away. And the opposite, boredom and a dull, daily routine, can kill a marriage, squashing intimacy and romance. Researchers find that bored spouses had a higher tendency to divorce. Since you're trying to determine if you're man is Mr. Right, this is something you should consider.

My man and I discovered this one long ago when we watched his parents become so involved in their own hobbies that they grew apart from each other. We determined that we would make sure we continued to do a hobby together throughout our lives. For us, we ballroom dance. We have to juggle our schedules to fit it in, but we do it.

Once, when I was considering quitting because we were too busy, my man said,"If we quit now, I think we'll regret it in five years." That stopped me in my tracks and I knew he was right. Now, every time it feels like too much, we think about how we would feel about our decision in a few years. It keeps us at it. Given that even after all these years of lessons, we still aren't very good, we need to keep at it!

Francesca: I've developed a love for cooking because my man is Italian and I knew if I was going to stay with him I would have to be a good cook. This is coming from a half Polish-half Italian girl who was actually raised by a Jewish family!

The reason I bring this up is because from a practical perspective it would be great if you and your man either already have or veer toward a hobby that will benefit your family if you're planning to have one. Cooking with my man is pretty cool even if he does take the credit when it comes out great. For those of you following Francesca and her man you know this is exactly what happens. Your entire family gets to benefit from your great food so your hobby becomes a win-win.

My only recommendation is to limit the amount of time you spend with your man on your hobby because too much of anything is no good plus it makes it special when you do find the time. I use the "I don't have time" reason for a lot of things but I can't see how a couple having a hobby together could push you apart unless you become a competitive jerk in which case whatever you're doing would no longer be considered a hobby! Don't make your man's hobby yours though.

Question 7 - Does your man have a hobby of his own?

Abby: For the same reason you should have a hobby, so should your man. You don’t want him to become boring. You don’t want the only thing you have to talk about to become the kids. He needs to stay active and involved with something.

That said, be wary of the man with too many hobbies. My friend’s husband has so many hobbies, he doesn’t have time for his family. Recently she was laid up in bed, yet he couldn’t cancel his tennis game to take care of the kids. He is an example of living a single married life. He has so many hobbies, his relationship with my friend is more like that of a boss to his personal assistant or housekeeper.

So make sure that your man has a hobby of his own but that he’s not out of control.

Francesca: My advice is to know yourself well and I mean know yourself. You don't want to spend your life feeling as if you have no control over your time. If you look at your man and think he is controlling in any way about anything think long term. If you know you are a people pleaser BE CAREFUL because you will wind up being the one who gives up your hobbies so that your man can still have his.

Resentment is such an ugly feeling and one that can consume you. Make a conscious decision to NEVER neglect yourself. Marry someone who "worships" you - be the worshipEE not the worshippER! If you have a hobby at a young age that is a passion for you make it "a term and condition" of any relationship you are in.

Once you start giving up the small things in life you start losing yourself and the end result of that in my experience is never good. Get control and stay in control of your life. Make things happen, don't let life happen to you. If you practice this early on in your young relationships, the practice will set the stage for the remainder.

Question 6 - Does your man encourage you to have a hobby that you do by yourself?

Abby: For your marriage to last, you need to stay interesting to your man. As time goes by, your ability to maintain conversations with him will become more important. If you don’t have anything to talk about besides what you do together, you’ll be dull and he’ll lose interest. That leads to him finding other people more interesting and preferring to spend his time with them. That’s never a good thing. You need to make sure that you keep up with your own interests, whatever they are.

This also ensures that you continue to grow as a person. This is another important part of a healthy marriage because if he continues to grow and you stagnate, you’ll end up growing apart. That is what causes people to divorce after 30 years. I've discussed this concept with my man as we watch people we know divorce. As we look deeper into how couples we know have matured, it becomes apparent when one or both partners lapsed into the mundane. Idle hands are the devil's playground. Partners get into trouble when they aren't growing.

Now you might argue, when do I have time. The harsh reality is that you need to swap something you are currently spending time on for time spent on a hobby. Even if it's just once a month, do something. Go to a pottery class, read, take a cooking class, bowl, play canasta, play tennis. Just get out there so that you have something that you do that makes your man wonder, what's she doing right now. Keeping the mystery alive will keep the magic in your marriage alive.

Francesca: If your man encourages you to have a hobby that has nothing to do with him that would indicate to me he has a good level of security with himself. It's very dangerous when your man wants you all to himself. All too often you see women give up what's important to them outside of their relationship to "spend more time" with their man. If you plan to stay with your man, you have the rest of your life to spend with him and I don't think an hour of yoga twice a week is going to kill your relationship.

If your man discourages you to have hobbies take it as a red flag as someone who may wind up being very controlling. But also make sure it's not YOU who is discouraging YOURSELF and then later on whine about what you "gave up" for your man. Just because your man sighs or hems and haws when you tell him you’ve decided to take up hula dancing at 35 doesn't mean he doesn't want you to do it; it might mean he's just seeing what he can get away with.

Question 5 - Do you tolerate things because your man is so hot?

Abby: We all enjoy the eye candy and being the object of envy when we’re out with a hot man. Unfortunately, those feel good times can cause us to overlook things that would be deal breakers for the average man. A hot man can cause us to sway from our values or allow ourselves to be treated with less respect than we deserve. And so often, we know we’re doing it! We feel grateful to have been picked by a hot man and we don’t want to rock the boat.

When I was in college, I was dating the catch of the campus. He was starring as Hamlet and was the talk of the town. Needless to say, our relationship evolved into me being a girlfriend of convenience. As his stardom grew, so did the number of girls. And I knew it. But I stuck with him, even when a girl would come to his door at midnight! How was I showing myself any respect? I put up with it for far too long, all because he was hot.

A man will rarely change his stripes, so be aware that anything you overlook now will need to be overlooked for your entire marriage. For example, if you're not willing to be shown less respect for the next 30 years, then your hot man isn't Mr. Right. So, the moral to the story is...a hot man is not marriage material just because he’s hot. That’s a bonus when he passes the test!

Francesca: I do it and it’s a very poor habit to get into. Once you set the tone for this he’s going to figure it out and play on it. Human nature says most will do whatever they can get away with. Also referred to as pushing the envelope, taking a yard when you’re given an inch and plain old taking advantage!

It also depends on what phase of the relationship you’re in. The more kids you have the more looks fade because you don’t really have time or patience for the once so-called charm your hot man would use to get away with things. In the beginning of our relationship, my man’s hotness was the end-all. I wanted him because he was hot, I thought whatever he did was right because he was hot, I accepted all of his flaws (my attention was diverted away from because once again, he was hot) and so on and so forth.

Now be clear on this, my man, 20 years later, continues to be hot and has an extremely high hotness level of which I am certain many women would attest. I still tolerate a lot of his crap because he’s hot, but the time and patience for things I once tolerated has dwindled down. In hindsight, I shouldn't have allowed it at all.

Question 4 - Are you embarrassed to walk into a room with your man?

Abby: I had never really thought that much about looks being an important characteristic in choosing a man. I figured that if I had chemistry, something must be appealing, even if he wasn’t traditionally good-looking.

That all changed one day when I was walking into a party with an ex and was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because this ex was petite. I could fight him, and win. It was at that moment that I knew that I had a height requirement. I had to be honest with myself and respect that I was innately more attracted to a man that was between 5’10 and 6’2 (I’m petite myself). I would always be embarrassed to be seen with him because he wasn’t getting any taller.

That criteria doesn’t work for everyone. I don’t think you truly know what your instincts say until you feel embarrassed to walk into a room because of your man’s appearance. You might feel that way about hair, weight, nose, whatever. But when you know, you know. And you shouldn’t ignore it. What you find embarrassing will not change. Who wants to live with a lifetime of not wanting to be seen with your man?

Francesca: Are you kidding? One of the reasons I married him in the first place because he was (and still is) eye candy. I am an extremely vain person so I couldn’t have it any other way but to look forward to walking into a room with my man. If this isn’t a “red flag” what is? If I could tell a computer to generate for me exactly what I wanted my man to look like and the type of aura he gives off it would be my man!

Now there are huge sacrifices in selecting a man based on looks and a cocky attitude and believe me, I’ve paid (and am paying) the price for this. Would I recommend it? No. Did I do it? Yes. My man can walk into a room and command authority. He is an initiator and dominator of conversations. To me, this is very sexy.

Of course, he has faults just like anyone else and being with someone above average looking usually comes with a price. There are studies that show good-looking people have more problems, probably because they have more choices in life and I’m not saying that this is right or wrong – it just is. We know what kind of society we live in. Susan Boyle is a great example of the stereotyping associated with looks and demeanor. Bottom line, if you are embarrassed to walk into a room with your man, huge red flag and he will know it and feel it but may ignore it to avoid rejection.