Francesca: When I was 14 my best friend was "in love" with Alex. We all hung out together but they were a total couple and Alex and I really didn't even get along. My best friend broke the horrific news to us that she was moving from New York to West Virginia. We were all devastated. She made me promise to look after Alex because she knew, we all knew, how sad he would be after she moved.
To be honest, I never even thought Alex and I would ever speak because I did not intend to “look after him.” Shortly after she moved, I decided I should call Alex to see how he was doing. Somehow, we wound up seeing a movie together. Somehow, as we were watching the movie our hands dropped down and the nest thing you know we were holding them.
Therefore, Alex and I spent months in hiding and we actually dated for about 2 years with some breakups in-between because of kid-type pressures. It was “puppy-love” but the emotions were real. My knees would get weak when I would see him and when we couldn’t see each other for whatever reason it was torturous. It was cool at the time but when we finally did come out with it, definitely was not pretty. We had many friends who were shocked and dismayed; neither one of us looked very well. When my friend who moved away found out, she was just floored. I think she thought they would be “together forever” no matter what. The truth is, none of us should have been so serious at the age. It’s such a foggy memory at this point in my life.
So it all depends on WHY your relationship is a secret. Mine was a secret because it was wrong. If your relationship is a secret because others will get hurt if they find out - your relationship has started out wrong, is wrong and will most likely end on a bad note. If your relationship is a secret because your company will fire you if they find out, that’s a whole different ballgame and not as bad. We were teenagers, so nobody’s job was on the line. Secrets normally aren’t about good things; people hide stuff usually because it’s just plain old wrong. So consider those every time you classify something as “a secret.”
Abby: You hit the nail on the head. People don’t keep good news a secret. People keep bad news a secret. So if your relationship is a secret, you’re probably doing something, or someone, you should be.
My man and I were in the closet for a year before we made our relationship public. We lived together by then, and people still didn’t know. At first, it was because he was my boss. We could have both lost our jobs over it. We were quick to move into different departments, but the damage could have been done. How would our relationship have faired if we hadn’t been so lucky? Not good, I suspect.
You should be able to shout from the rooftops about your relationship with your man. If you can’t tell people, you need to ask yourself why. Is he married? Are you ashamed of him? Will your friends and family not approve so you’re hiding? Will you lose your job? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have a problem. You’re relationship shouldn’t be a secret and the reason it is, is the reason you shouldn’t be with that man.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Question 31 - Do you agree with your man on how much you should contribute toward paying household expenses?
Abby: I just have to say that the way Francesca manages her household expenses is WHACKED! She is responsible for paying the bills, mortgage, daycare, etc. Her man gives her whatever he thinks he should that week. Sometimes it’s a couple hundred, sometimes more. She never knows. Moreover, she doesn’t know how much he makes. Recently, she was short to pay that weeks’ daycare, and it was her problem! She had to go into savings for it. In addition, he criticized her for not having enough and not managing the bills properly. How is she supposed to plan a household budget when she doesn’t know how much income will be coming in?
When you set up house with your man, you had better determine how your bills are going to be paid first. Will you each put in a specific amount? Will you combine your income into a household account? Will you pick certain bills each of you will pay? How much will you save? There are many options.
I’ve done it several ways. I had a boyfriend who I cut a check to every month for the same amount and it was his responsibility to do the bills. I didn’t see how much the bills were, but I didn’t have to worry about them either. Now, my man and I have our checks direct deposited into a joint account. All of our bills are paid on automatic, no matter who generated the expense. We each get some cash and we use a credit card for most purchases (yes, we pay it off each month).
We function as a household. We earn as a household, we spend as a household. If one of us decided to stay home with the kids, does that mean no one pays that person’s expenses? No. So it doesn’t make sense to separate them either. Figure it out ahead of time, or you will feel resentful. Also, keep in mind that your system might need to change over time. Someone might get a big raise, lose a job, have a new bill. My advice is to set up your household budget and bill paying system with potential changes in mind.
Francesca: While I don’t necessarily “agree” with my man on the way we operate from a household expense perspective, the way the expenses are managed is necessary. My paycheck goes direct deposit; he cashes his check, gives me money to cover bills, and then saves the rest. I can tell you right now if I cashed my check and put actual cash in my pocket IT WOULD BE GONE in the flash of an eye. Sometimes I get really pissed off because it feels like bills absorb my paychecks while he gets to “keep” his money. I have to remember that he’s the reason we have emergency funds and he’s the reason we have as much as we have in savings.
I have never heard him complain about how much I contribute. I truly have no idea technically how much is “his” money that is being contributed toward household expenses because that would require an extensive analysis. I realize that for the most part he gasses up the cars, pays the landscaper, etc. The problem (like with everyone) is that there are too many expenses!
What I’ve learned that is most important about household expenses is as a couple, there has to be a comfort level with who’s contributing what. What I would say to do before settling down is make sure that your definition of “lifestyle” is the same. Decide who’s going to manage the majority of finances and how decisions are going to be made. My man won’t hesitate to have a huge car payment but getting him to spend money on a vacation is a whole other feat in itself.
When you set up house with your man, you had better determine how your bills are going to be paid first. Will you each put in a specific amount? Will you combine your income into a household account? Will you pick certain bills each of you will pay? How much will you save? There are many options.
I’ve done it several ways. I had a boyfriend who I cut a check to every month for the same amount and it was his responsibility to do the bills. I didn’t see how much the bills were, but I didn’t have to worry about them either. Now, my man and I have our checks direct deposited into a joint account. All of our bills are paid on automatic, no matter who generated the expense. We each get some cash and we use a credit card for most purchases (yes, we pay it off each month).
We function as a household. We earn as a household, we spend as a household. If one of us decided to stay home with the kids, does that mean no one pays that person’s expenses? No. So it doesn’t make sense to separate them either. Figure it out ahead of time, or you will feel resentful. Also, keep in mind that your system might need to change over time. Someone might get a big raise, lose a job, have a new bill. My advice is to set up your household budget and bill paying system with potential changes in mind.
Francesca: While I don’t necessarily “agree” with my man on the way we operate from a household expense perspective, the way the expenses are managed is necessary. My paycheck goes direct deposit; he cashes his check, gives me money to cover bills, and then saves the rest. I can tell you right now if I cashed my check and put actual cash in my pocket IT WOULD BE GONE in the flash of an eye. Sometimes I get really pissed off because it feels like bills absorb my paychecks while he gets to “keep” his money. I have to remember that he’s the reason we have emergency funds and he’s the reason we have as much as we have in savings.
I have never heard him complain about how much I contribute. I truly have no idea technically how much is “his” money that is being contributed toward household expenses because that would require an extensive analysis. I realize that for the most part he gasses up the cars, pays the landscaper, etc. The problem (like with everyone) is that there are too many expenses!
What I’ve learned that is most important about household expenses is as a couple, there has to be a comfort level with who’s contributing what. What I would say to do before settling down is make sure that your definition of “lifestyle” is the same. Decide who’s going to manage the majority of finances and how decisions are going to be made. My man won’t hesitate to have a huge car payment but getting him to spend money on a vacation is a whole other feat in itself.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Question 30 - Do you play mind games with your man?
Abby: I was standing in line at the grocery the other day when the man behind me told his buddy that his ex had just texted him, but he wasn’t going to reply right away. But he was going to respond. I turned and looked at him like he was mad. He asks me if I think he’s right. No Way!
All he was doing was stringing along a situation in which he really had no interest. When you really care for someone, you can’t wait to respond to him. And if your man really cares for you, then he can’t wait to hear from you. Playing games just so that you feel that you’re in a position of power leads to your man feeling insecure in the relationship. That leads to a lack of trust. Not in the sense of faithfulness, but in the sense of security. You wouldn’t want to be in that position any more than he does.
Playing games leads to breakups and is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. If you feel like you need to play games with your man, you’ve got a problem. If you’re the one instigating the games, you really aren’t that into your man. If he’s the one playing games, he’s just not that into you. Neither of which leads to a long, healthy marriage.
Francesca: I play mind games with my man. You would think that as time goes by in your relationship you would have to play less games. Not with my man. Seems like the older our relationship gets, the more games we have to play to keep our relationship going.
It’s really unfortunate because I don’t want to play games but seems like I always wind up having to. It’s a mind game where it seems whoever gets upset at the other first is the one to be in control. Mind games are a way for me to try to get out of a submissive role. A high maintenance man requires you to live and breathe for that person, no matter how many kids you have, no matter how tired you are, no matter what is going around you. It doesn’t matter how you feel and that’s where the mind games come in.
If you can’t be honest about your feelings with your man, whether your feelings are good or bad, reconsider your relationship because it will only get more difficult as time goes on. Mind games can never be the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you find yourself feeling forced to play them, take it as a sign that the relationship you’re in isn’t healthy.
All he was doing was stringing along a situation in which he really had no interest. When you really care for someone, you can’t wait to respond to him. And if your man really cares for you, then he can’t wait to hear from you. Playing games just so that you feel that you’re in a position of power leads to your man feeling insecure in the relationship. That leads to a lack of trust. Not in the sense of faithfulness, but in the sense of security. You wouldn’t want to be in that position any more than he does.
Playing games leads to breakups and is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. If you feel like you need to play games with your man, you’ve got a problem. If you’re the one instigating the games, you really aren’t that into your man. If he’s the one playing games, he’s just not that into you. Neither of which leads to a long, healthy marriage.
Francesca: I play mind games with my man. You would think that as time goes by in your relationship you would have to play less games. Not with my man. Seems like the older our relationship gets, the more games we have to play to keep our relationship going.
It’s really unfortunate because I don’t want to play games but seems like I always wind up having to. It’s a mind game where it seems whoever gets upset at the other first is the one to be in control. Mind games are a way for me to try to get out of a submissive role. A high maintenance man requires you to live and breathe for that person, no matter how many kids you have, no matter how tired you are, no matter what is going around you. It doesn’t matter how you feel and that’s where the mind games come in.
If you can’t be honest about your feelings with your man, whether your feelings are good or bad, reconsider your relationship because it will only get more difficult as time goes on. Mind games can never be the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you find yourself feeling forced to play them, take it as a sign that the relationship you’re in isn’t healthy.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Question 29 - Does your man agree with your level of ambition?
Francesca: You want a man who’s secure enough within himself to withstand what you’re capable of. Most people SAY they want their spouses to succeed, yet oftentimes if the spouse winds up succeeding, the couple breaks up! If you pick someone who gets intimidated by your successes, you will never be half of what you can be and you’ll wind up discontented. Andre Agassi got to the best times of his career after he married Stefi Graf – not when he was married to Brooke Shields and that’s because Stefi understands what Andre is all about; they have common ground.
I think my man is completely intimidated by my level of ambition. It will be a cold day in hell before he would ever admit it. I do most of the work at home and he absolutely has at least 50% more free time than I do. I guess you could say he agrees with my level of ambition, because it benefits him that I’ve come as far as I have. Still, it frustrates the heck out of me because I could be so much more than I already am if I had his support.
I could write the book I’ve always wanted to write in 1 year versus 3; I could back up sing in a band like I’ve always wanted to; I could get my Master’s degree; I could raise my kids more like I want to, close to and around family, etc. My goal has been to move back to New York forever. I’ve been telling my man I need to do my resume and send it out and get an offer and he says, “Go ahead, do it.” How the heck am I going to cook dinner, do the laundry, straighten up the house, react every time one of my three kids says “mom” and help with homework, bathe them, and pay bills while I’m sending out my resume? Seriously, give me a break.
I can’t say that I do everything I say I’m going to do, but he should be scared if I did actually do everything I want to do. The reason I don’t get to do everything I say I’m going to do is because I don’t get the support I need from him in order to do it and no, this is not a lame excuse. I just believe that there is time in my day to accomplish everything I want to accomplish IF I married someone who cared enough about me and less about themselves. When you choose your man, choose wisely – choose a man who will feed and support your dreams and be happy if you succeed, not someone who you think might not be happy if you become all you can be.
Abby: Ambition is a tricky subject for many women. Are you going to be Supermom, Career Woman, Trophy Wife? You have visions of what you want your future to be. Does he know what that vision is? Is he ok with it?
My friend married a woman he met in college who had a great career at the Fed. They were on they’re way. However, when they started a family, that path changed. She decided to decrease her workload. She turned down promotions. Even when he lost his job, she refused to work full-time. She believed her role was to spend time volunteering in her kids’ class. She comes from a traditional family, so it should not have really been a surprise that she believe her role was as caregiver rather than breadwinner.
Her man almost divorced her because he did not agree with her level of ambition. He was truly surprised at how things were turning out. He thought she would be the career woman she had always been. Yes, he knew she would have her role as a mom, but he just assumed her career ambitions. Makes me wonder if he would have chosen to marry her if he had known. They should have talked about it!
I think my man is completely intimidated by my level of ambition. It will be a cold day in hell before he would ever admit it. I do most of the work at home and he absolutely has at least 50% more free time than I do. I guess you could say he agrees with my level of ambition, because it benefits him that I’ve come as far as I have. Still, it frustrates the heck out of me because I could be so much more than I already am if I had his support.
I could write the book I’ve always wanted to write in 1 year versus 3; I could back up sing in a band like I’ve always wanted to; I could get my Master’s degree; I could raise my kids more like I want to, close to and around family, etc. My goal has been to move back to New York forever. I’ve been telling my man I need to do my resume and send it out and get an offer and he says, “Go ahead, do it.” How the heck am I going to cook dinner, do the laundry, straighten up the house, react every time one of my three kids says “mom” and help with homework, bathe them, and pay bills while I’m sending out my resume? Seriously, give me a break.
I can’t say that I do everything I say I’m going to do, but he should be scared if I did actually do everything I want to do. The reason I don’t get to do everything I say I’m going to do is because I don’t get the support I need from him in order to do it and no, this is not a lame excuse. I just believe that there is time in my day to accomplish everything I want to accomplish IF I married someone who cared enough about me and less about themselves. When you choose your man, choose wisely – choose a man who will feed and support your dreams and be happy if you succeed, not someone who you think might not be happy if you become all you can be.
Abby: Ambition is a tricky subject for many women. Are you going to be Supermom, Career Woman, Trophy Wife? You have visions of what you want your future to be. Does he know what that vision is? Is he ok with it?
My friend married a woman he met in college who had a great career at the Fed. They were on they’re way. However, when they started a family, that path changed. She decided to decrease her workload. She turned down promotions. Even when he lost his job, she refused to work full-time. She believed her role was to spend time volunteering in her kids’ class. She comes from a traditional family, so it should not have really been a surprise that she believe her role was as caregiver rather than breadwinner.
Her man almost divorced her because he did not agree with her level of ambition. He was truly surprised at how things were turning out. He thought she would be the career woman she had always been. Yes, he knew she would have her role as a mom, but he just assumed her career ambitions. Makes me wonder if he would have chosen to marry her if he had known. They should have talked about it!
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