Question 32 - Is your relationship with your man a secret?

Francesca: When I was 14 my best friend was "in love" with Alex. We all hung out together but they were a total couple and Alex and I really didn't even get along. My best friend broke the horrific news to us that she was moving from New York to West Virginia. We were all devastated. She made me promise to look after Alex because she knew, we all knew, how sad he would be after she moved.

To be honest, I never even thought Alex and I would ever speak because I did not intend to “look after him.” Shortly after she moved, I decided I should call Alex to see how he was doing. Somehow, we wound up seeing a movie together. Somehow, as we were watching the movie our hands dropped down and the nest thing you know we were holding them.

Therefore, Alex and I spent months in hiding and we actually dated for about 2 years with some breakups in-between because of kid-type pressures. It was “puppy-love” but the emotions were real. My knees would get weak when I would see him and when we couldn’t see each other for whatever reason it was torturous. It was cool at the time but when we finally did come out with it, definitely was not pretty. We had many friends who were shocked and dismayed; neither one of us looked very well. When my friend who moved away found out, she was just floored. I think she thought they would be “together forever” no matter what. The truth is, none of us should have been so serious at the age. It’s such a foggy memory at this point in my life.

So it all depends on WHY your relationship is a secret. Mine was a secret because it was wrong. If your relationship is a secret because others will get hurt if they find out - your relationship has started out wrong, is wrong and will most likely end on a bad note. If your relationship is a secret because your company will fire you if they find out, that’s a whole different ballgame and not as bad. We were teenagers, so nobody’s job was on the line. Secrets normally aren’t about good things; people hide stuff usually because it’s just plain old wrong. So consider those every time you classify something as “a secret.”

Abby: You hit the nail on the head. People don’t keep good news a secret. People keep bad news a secret. So if your relationship is a secret, you’re probably doing something, or someone, you should be.

My man and I were in the closet for a year before we made our relationship public. We lived together by then, and people still didn’t know. At first, it was because he was my boss. We could have both lost our jobs over it. We were quick to move into different departments, but the damage could have been done. How would our relationship have faired if we hadn’t been so lucky? Not good, I suspect.

You should be able to shout from the rooftops about your relationship with your man. If you can’t tell people, you need to ask yourself why. Is he married? Are you ashamed of him? Will your friends and family not approve so you’re hiding? Will you lose your job? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have a problem. You’re relationship shouldn’t be a secret and the reason it is, is the reason you shouldn’t be with that man.