Francesca: I am half-Italian & half-Polish and was adopted into a Jewish family. They tried sending me to Hebrew school (yes they tried sending Francesca to Hebrew school - can you believe it), they tried feeding me herring and they tried to make me give a sermon at Passover. I can be a spokesperson about someone who was forced into a religion and wasn’t having any of it.
Like everything else, religion can be a big part of your relationship or it can be a small part of your relationship. I’m not saying anything bad about Jewish people or the religion; it just wasn’t for me. And because I felt that way, I felt shameful, embarrassed, hypocritical and confused whenever I was exposed to it. If your man’s religion is an issue for you, it will never go away. Religion is not something you can ignore; you are what you are, you are what you believe and who I am to tell you any different? Who am I to tell my man what I think he should believe? For many people, religion is what their life-long beliefs are about. If you have an issue with your man’s belief system, then you have an issue with your man all around and how do you think that’s going to play out? Not good.
I am in no way saying compromises can’t be made. I was baptized in a Baptist church and my husband’s Catholic and was an altar boy. In our case, religion isn’t an issue because my man spent so much time in the Church he could care less if he ever sees one again. I grew up fighting a religion that was forced on me so I made an adult choice on the general Christianity I practice today. Religion is not a focus in our lives, but if it made a difference to my husband I would have taken Catholicism classes and became Catholic. Religion is a tricky thing; someone has to be willing to bend and if your man’s religion is an issue and you’re not the compromising type be prepared to walk.
Abby: Religion is a very sensitive subject for many people. There are varying levels of religious commitment and then there are the family issues that revolve around religion.
To give yourself the best chance at a successful marriage, you would want to marry someone who had the same values and moral convictions. Those don’t necessarily need to be oriented around a religion, but they should be compatible. If you’re not a zealot, then you probably won’t mind mingling with other religions as long as they tolerate yours. If you were to have kids, you’d want to agree with your spouse about what religion to pass on to the kids.
If you are heavily engrained within an established religion, you’re probably best served to marry a man who is too. If you’re plan is to try to change your man’s beliefs and views, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
Also, you need to very seriously consider the family component. I have a Jewish friend who married a Christian and it ripped his family apart. He all but lost contact with his parents because they had explosive fights with every conversation. The constant tension revolving around religion put additional pressure on his new marriage. While all of these things can be overcome, my advice is to try to avoid as many hurdles as possible when setting out on a marriage.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Question 11 - Is your man fiscally responsible?
Francesca: Money is no joke. We all hear it; finances are the number one thing couples fight about. You have to believe there is some serious validity to that claim. Take the time to pay attention to any financial habits that could contribute to your demise. Having a fiscally responsible man won’t ensure your happiness but it can make your life a hell of a lot easier. Remember, judgment about everything gets clouded when you’re in love or lust – pick up on signs early, can you imagine being “had” by a man and losing things you’ve worked hard for that have taken time to accumulate because your man wasn’t fiscally responsible. Hell no, don’t let it happen.
First, be in control of your money before you even think about combining cash and assets.
Second, if you see your man spending money like a rock star on the income of entry level supervisor take it as a red flag that you will be in debt before you can say the word bankruptcy. If your man squeaks when he walks take that as a red flag that any purchase you make is going to be scrutinized and you are going to go from those pumps you buy at Macy’s to plastic flats from Payless. Observation in this area is key and don’t assess him during the wooing stages. If you’re serious about him, assess him after 6 months; by then you should have a good feel for his use of a card versus cash, his income versus his spending habits and indications of any irresponsibility on his part.
My man is a stronger money manager than I am but he also has some squeak-age going on which he refers to as frugality. Thankfully, my man instilled some very good money management practices in me to the point where I conveniently handle all of our finances. While I appreciate and value everything I learned from him, as an adult I don’t appreciate being hassled about every purchase I make especially when we’re equal breadwinners
I can’t have an “emergency stash” because my man is like a detective and not like the one on Get Smart and if he realized I had an emergency stash he would equate that to my hiding other things from him. But I’m smart enough to know that I should and if you can pull it off I would definitely recommend it. Make yourself number one.
Abby: People can be savers or spenders and still be fiscally responsible. It’s all about balance. It’s also something a man can learn.
Having a man that’s a spender can be a little scarier than having a man that’s a saver, but that can be very frustrating too. Spenders can get in debt that is way over their heads. They can cause a family to not be able to reach goals, like buying a house. They can threaten the safety of a family by spending the rent money on the wrong things. Having a saver can cause you to have your financial safety cushion, but feel poor. It’s like having a big house but not being able to afford to go out to dinner; you’ve created your own prison.
When I met my man, he was not fiscally responsible. He blew his money going out every night. It was so bad that he could not afford to buy his own soap! At one point, he told me he was going to move out of state, back with his parents, because he just couldn’t handle the party scene in New Orleans. I forced him to move in with me and I took over his financial situation. It was extreme at first, but he needed serious help. I gave him an allowance and took the rest of his paychecks to pay of his bills. As the months went by, we discussed the progress he was making financially, and slowly he was allowed more control over his finances. The big issues with him were that he didn’t know very much about finances, had never made as much money as he was then, and had never been in an environment that partied around the clock. It was a perfect storm and it almost took him down.
My story had a happy ending, but that was because my man admitted that he needed help. If he had hidden it from me or was pig headed enough to not allow someone to help, we might not have made it. We would have constantly had stress regarding how much debt he was creating. That would have been a horrible way to live. You need to have conversations about finances with your man before you consider marriage. You need to understand each other’s behaviors and how you will each respond to the other’s weaknesses. If he’s not willing to have these talks with you, then he’s probably not willing to be a financial partner with you, which is a weak foundation for marriage. Knowledge is the key to success in this area.
First, be in control of your money before you even think about combining cash and assets.
Second, if you see your man spending money like a rock star on the income of entry level supervisor take it as a red flag that you will be in debt before you can say the word bankruptcy. If your man squeaks when he walks take that as a red flag that any purchase you make is going to be scrutinized and you are going to go from those pumps you buy at Macy’s to plastic flats from Payless. Observation in this area is key and don’t assess him during the wooing stages. If you’re serious about him, assess him after 6 months; by then you should have a good feel for his use of a card versus cash, his income versus his spending habits and indications of any irresponsibility on his part.
My man is a stronger money manager than I am but he also has some squeak-age going on which he refers to as frugality. Thankfully, my man instilled some very good money management practices in me to the point where I conveniently handle all of our finances. While I appreciate and value everything I learned from him, as an adult I don’t appreciate being hassled about every purchase I make especially when we’re equal breadwinners
I can’t have an “emergency stash” because my man is like a detective and not like the one on Get Smart and if he realized I had an emergency stash he would equate that to my hiding other things from him. But I’m smart enough to know that I should and if you can pull it off I would definitely recommend it. Make yourself number one.
Abby: People can be savers or spenders and still be fiscally responsible. It’s all about balance. It’s also something a man can learn.
Having a man that’s a spender can be a little scarier than having a man that’s a saver, but that can be very frustrating too. Spenders can get in debt that is way over their heads. They can cause a family to not be able to reach goals, like buying a house. They can threaten the safety of a family by spending the rent money on the wrong things. Having a saver can cause you to have your financial safety cushion, but feel poor. It’s like having a big house but not being able to afford to go out to dinner; you’ve created your own prison.
When I met my man, he was not fiscally responsible. He blew his money going out every night. It was so bad that he could not afford to buy his own soap! At one point, he told me he was going to move out of state, back with his parents, because he just couldn’t handle the party scene in New Orleans. I forced him to move in with me and I took over his financial situation. It was extreme at first, but he needed serious help. I gave him an allowance and took the rest of his paychecks to pay of his bills. As the months went by, we discussed the progress he was making financially, and slowly he was allowed more control over his finances. The big issues with him were that he didn’t know very much about finances, had never made as much money as he was then, and had never been in an environment that partied around the clock. It was a perfect storm and it almost took him down.
My story had a happy ending, but that was because my man admitted that he needed help. If he had hidden it from me or was pig headed enough to not allow someone to help, we might not have made it. We would have constantly had stress regarding how much debt he was creating. That would have been a horrible way to live. You need to have conversations about finances with your man before you consider marriage. You need to understand each other’s behaviors and how you will each respond to the other’s weaknesses. If he’s not willing to have these talks with you, then he’s probably not willing to be a financial partner with you, which is a weak foundation for marriage. Knowledge is the key to success in this area.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Question 10 - Does your man play cards or games?
Abby: This question first came up because I happen to love games. It's a tradition in my family to play something when we get together, so I thought it was important to have a man how would fit right in. I had exes that didn't play games and it was awkward. I didn't realize how lucky I was that I picked a man who plays.
When you have kids, you need a man who enjoys playing games with them. Monopoly can save a rainy day. More importantly, it means you're more likely to grow old together. Evidence suggests that people who spend stretches of their days engrossed in mental activities like cards may be at reduced risk of developing dementia. Hard to believe I'm suggesting you pick a man now who's more likely to be lucid when he's old, but you might only get one shot at this, so pick wisely.
Francesca: The way a man plays a game can say a lot about them. Does he get angry when he loses or isn’t doing well? Does your man feel comfortable enough with you to let his guard down and just play a recreational game without severe competitiveness or does everything have to be a competition? Pay attention to the behavior demonstrated when your man plays a game to get a better sense of what he’s all about. It might sound silly but “true colors” come out during the strangest scenarios.
For me, games are a distraction, a reason not to clean, a time to zone in on “family fun” even if it only lasts 5-10 minutes before the kids starting fighting again. Maybe it’s just a taste of what life used to be like pre-kids and even pre-marriage when you were dating when most everything you did was for fun.
I always like to shake hands with a person after a game is over whether I win or lose; I think it’s a sign of good showmanship and respect for the other person. I swear that word “showmanship” reminds me of Paula Abdul on American Idol – the producers might have to spend hours or even days trying to figure out how many times she’s used that word! Red flags about your man are everywhere. Pay attention to small things like how he behaves when playing a game; it’s a hint at what else he might be competitive about.
I’ve always loved playing games whether it’s a simple game of “hangman” with my daughter, “Trouble” which is our favorite family game, or Scrabble with my man. But I have to tell you, my man takes game playing to a whole other level. I am actually afraid to win; he’s not necessarily a “sore loser” but his intensity and competitiveness can really take away from the joy of a simple game. You can’t blame a person for wanting to win but when you’re talking about playing “Trouble” with your 5 year old and your man is give strategic advice to him while planning his next move, it could dampen what you want to get out of the whole point of playing a game.
When you have kids, you need a man who enjoys playing games with them. Monopoly can save a rainy day. More importantly, it means you're more likely to grow old together. Evidence suggests that people who spend stretches of their days engrossed in mental activities like cards may be at reduced risk of developing dementia. Hard to believe I'm suggesting you pick a man now who's more likely to be lucid when he's old, but you might only get one shot at this, so pick wisely.
Francesca: The way a man plays a game can say a lot about them. Does he get angry when he loses or isn’t doing well? Does your man feel comfortable enough with you to let his guard down and just play a recreational game without severe competitiveness or does everything have to be a competition? Pay attention to the behavior demonstrated when your man plays a game to get a better sense of what he’s all about. It might sound silly but “true colors” come out during the strangest scenarios.
For me, games are a distraction, a reason not to clean, a time to zone in on “family fun” even if it only lasts 5-10 minutes before the kids starting fighting again. Maybe it’s just a taste of what life used to be like pre-kids and even pre-marriage when you were dating when most everything you did was for fun.
I always like to shake hands with a person after a game is over whether I win or lose; I think it’s a sign of good showmanship and respect for the other person. I swear that word “showmanship” reminds me of Paula Abdul on American Idol – the producers might have to spend hours or even days trying to figure out how many times she’s used that word! Red flags about your man are everywhere. Pay attention to small things like how he behaves when playing a game; it’s a hint at what else he might be competitive about.
I’ve always loved playing games whether it’s a simple game of “hangman” with my daughter, “Trouble” which is our favorite family game, or Scrabble with my man. But I have to tell you, my man takes game playing to a whole other level. I am actually afraid to win; he’s not necessarily a “sore loser” but his intensity and competitiveness can really take away from the joy of a simple game. You can’t blame a person for wanting to win but when you’re talking about playing “Trouble” with your 5 year old and your man is give strategic advice to him while planning his next move, it could dampen what you want to get out of the whole point of playing a game.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Question 9 - Do you and your man want a similarly sized family?
Abby: Babies can be tough on marriages. Second, third, and further babies are even harder. The last thing you want is to get into a marriage where you and your man don’t have the same concept of what makes a family. If he wants a large family, but you think you can only handle one, you need to work through it before he starts putting pressure on you to take on more than you can handle. Or he might not want any and you're hearing tick, tick. Because when it comes to kids, once you have them, there’s no changing your mind!
Not only do you need to agree on how large of a family you want, you also need to agree on what you will do if you can’t get pregnant. Conversely, what will you do if you have an accident or two?
My man and I planned out when we thought we’d be ready to start a family. We were also in agreement that if we didn’t have kids, that would be ok. We had no plans to undergo IVF should that situation arise. We were surprised at how quickly we got pregnant and how much we enjoyed our son. We agreed that it would be fun to have another one. Even more importantly, we agree that if the number of kids becomes too cumbersome, we’ll stop. People tell us we’re crazy everyday for being so open about it. But being on the same page as a couple has eliminated the frustration when someone in the relationship is hearing the clock tick.
Francesca: I was never a person who gravitated toward babies or kids even when I was a kid. I never walked up to babies and thought or said, “oh how cute!” I actually never paid any mind to them at all. My vision of life was bartending in Manhattan and living a free single life and I’m sure we all have visions. Needless to say, you fall in love or lust or whatever you want to call it and things change your mind and take over.
My man accused me of not wanting kids before we had any because I was “afraid of the work.” When he said that to me, I was young and dumb and thought I would prove him wrong. But you know what, it IS a lot of work. There are good moments but there are also a lot of not so good moments and a lot of stress. And that’s not to say that I won’t be thankful I had all of my kids later on in life and there are so many facets to parenting you won’t even know if you did a good job until you are in your grave. HEED MY WORDS: THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE FAMILY YOU WANT.
It was very important to my man to have a son “to carry on his name.” So what do you think happened? I had 2 girls before I had my son. In addition, one of the reasons I even had my first daughter was because I thought that would make my man want me more and stay with me. Don’t have kids because you want just a boy or just a girl because most likely you will get the opposite sex of what you wanted and you’ll keep trying until you get the sex of the child you want and is that really a reason to have children?
I am not maternal and I knew it, but I went against this because my husband wanted to “fill our house up with kids.” Sure, because I was going to be there to do most of the work in addition to working full time so we could live a certain lifestyle. Have kids not for the idea alone of having them but have them because you truly want to take care of another human being, teach them things, watch them grow and you have a tremendous amount of patience. Having kids is NO JOKE. It’s hard work and oftentimes goes unappreciated and unrecognized. There’s no paycheck either for it.
Before you start a family know who’s going to get up at night, who is going to drop off and pick up from childcare of who is going to watch the baby when you work, who is going to be the disciplinarian and what disciplinary techniques are you going to use. There are so many questions do your homework before you take the step of bringing in children to a world that is already challenged in so many ways.
Not only do you need to agree on how large of a family you want, you also need to agree on what you will do if you can’t get pregnant. Conversely, what will you do if you have an accident or two?
My man and I planned out when we thought we’d be ready to start a family. We were also in agreement that if we didn’t have kids, that would be ok. We had no plans to undergo IVF should that situation arise. We were surprised at how quickly we got pregnant and how much we enjoyed our son. We agreed that it would be fun to have another one. Even more importantly, we agree that if the number of kids becomes too cumbersome, we’ll stop. People tell us we’re crazy everyday for being so open about it. But being on the same page as a couple has eliminated the frustration when someone in the relationship is hearing the clock tick.
Francesca: I was never a person who gravitated toward babies or kids even when I was a kid. I never walked up to babies and thought or said, “oh how cute!” I actually never paid any mind to them at all. My vision of life was bartending in Manhattan and living a free single life and I’m sure we all have visions. Needless to say, you fall in love or lust or whatever you want to call it and things change your mind and take over.
My man accused me of not wanting kids before we had any because I was “afraid of the work.” When he said that to me, I was young and dumb and thought I would prove him wrong. But you know what, it IS a lot of work. There are good moments but there are also a lot of not so good moments and a lot of stress. And that’s not to say that I won’t be thankful I had all of my kids later on in life and there are so many facets to parenting you won’t even know if you did a good job until you are in your grave. HEED MY WORDS: THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE FAMILY YOU WANT.
It was very important to my man to have a son “to carry on his name.” So what do you think happened? I had 2 girls before I had my son. In addition, one of the reasons I even had my first daughter was because I thought that would make my man want me more and stay with me. Don’t have kids because you want just a boy or just a girl because most likely you will get the opposite sex of what you wanted and you’ll keep trying until you get the sex of the child you want and is that really a reason to have children?
I am not maternal and I knew it, but I went against this because my husband wanted to “fill our house up with kids.” Sure, because I was going to be there to do most of the work in addition to working full time so we could live a certain lifestyle. Have kids not for the idea alone of having them but have them because you truly want to take care of another human being, teach them things, watch them grow and you have a tremendous amount of patience. Having kids is NO JOKE. It’s hard work and oftentimes goes unappreciated and unrecognized. There’s no paycheck either for it.
Before you start a family know who’s going to get up at night, who is going to drop off and pick up from childcare of who is going to watch the baby when you work, who is going to be the disciplinarian and what disciplinary techniques are you going to use. There are so many questions do your homework before you take the step of bringing in children to a world that is already challenged in so many ways.
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