Question 28 - Is your man polite to you?

Abby: Key to a good relationship is a pleasant relationship. People underestimate the importance of politeness. How are you going to feel if your man is more polite to the waiter than he is to you? You should be the most important person in his life. He should treat you like you are, and that means being polite to you. If he doesn’t even say thank you when you get him a drink, how do you think he’s going to treat you down the road? He will take you for granted.

My man treats me with the same level of politeness at the kitchen table that he does if he were at a business luncheon. And I do the same to him. He thinks to refill my drink we he does his, asks if I need anything when he goes to the kitchen, holds doors for me when we go shopping, and says thank you. We don’t allow familiarity to degrade the way we treat each other in day-to-day life. It makes for a much more pleasant environment. We definitely notice when other couples aren’t polite to each other. They’re almost gruff.

Francesca: My man is not as polite to me as I would like him to be. Being polite is about gestures of kindness for me. Politeness ties into to caring about someone overall; it’s not just about please and thank you. It’s about noticing things like when I don’t feel well and being polite in offering to make me a cup of tea. It’s about letting me sleep in on the weekend versus purposefully waking me up so he doesn’t have to deal with the kids by himself, which he often does.

When I think “back to the beginning,” there was always such chaos and commotion going on between us that I didn’t even consider whether his level of politeness was acceptable to me. I just knew he was “hot” and I was going to put up with whatever he had to dish out even if it was wrong. It shouldn’t be this way and that’s what I get for being vane.

Your man should be polite to you from day one; he should always consider your feelings. The minute he stops being polite or shows you signs that he has the ability of being anything but polite, you need to question it. Whatever seems small now will be magnified 10 years later. He calls you a “jerk” today no big deal, right? 10 years from now, he could be calling you much worse names. You need to notice the small things about your man that nag at you and PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. Don’t shove your instincts and those nagging feelings under the carpet. Sure it’s hard to think long-term when you’re young or when you’re vulnerable or maybe when you’re not even looking for a relationship but you have to do it. The man you choose will affect the rest of your life, especially if you have children with him.

Question 27 - Are you OK with your man's level of ambition?

Francesca: No, I’m not OK with my man’s level of ambition. There is such a HUGE difference between talking about doing something and actually doing something. Sometimes I’ll be at a restaurant or in a store and I’m watching people talk and I wonder about all of the bullshit that is coming out of their mouth. It seems to me that is what most people do.

Now the Donald Trump’s, the Bill Gates’, the Joel Olsten’s, and the Oprah Winfrey’s of the world don’t just sit around bullshitting; they actually do something with their ideas. I always wonder how someone like “Eminem” who basically grew up in a trailer park got where he is. And what about 50-cent, who was shot like 9 times and is now hugely successful – how to he go from lying in a hospital almost dead to 50-cent the famous rich rapper???

Now I’m not nearly perfect at doing what I say I’m going to do all the time, but my man hardly does anything he says he is going to do. He is not an action-oriented person and he’s always been a dreamer. He’s had some decent ideas and has done nothing with them. All the time I spend listening to his regrets like there is nothing he can do about it now! Whether it’s out of fear or procrastination or laziness, whatever it is that’s holding him back, I wish for his own sake he would get off his ass and find what it is that floats his boat. For example, “I should have gone to college.” Ok, then go now! He acts as if his life is over. My man makes me feel like crap because he acts as if having a wife and kids has translated into his life being over. You and I both know that he would act like this whether or not he had a wife and kids.

Pay attention to what your man SAYS he’s going to do and what your man ACTUALLY does. Watch to see if his words match his actions, and if they don’t, heed this as a big sign that he’s on the road to nowhere fast. Or maybe he’s on the road to average-ness fast and you have to convince yourself that being average is OK. Or, maybe you’re OK with average-ness, but your man really isn’t OK with it; he just doesn’t know what to do about it, which makes for a very frustrating life. If you choose a man but you’re not OK with his level of ambition, you will suffer right along with him.

Abby: A man’s level of ambition affects every aspect of his life. It’ll determine how much money he makes, the time he spends with his family, his fitness level, and his peace of mind. Because all of those aspects will affect your life too, you had better be OK with how ambitious he is.

Families with more money are healthier, and some might argue happier because of less stress. But, making more money comes at the cost of time. If your man is super ambitious, he might be OK billing 100-hour workweeks to make six figures. But that means you don’t see him. Is that big house worth it? Does he work so much that he can’t take care of his body? If your man is so ambitious, that he’ll end up fat or dead from a heart attack, that doesn’t help you either (no insurance jokes, please). Conversely, if he’s not ambitious, will that wear away at his peace of mind, or yours? Humans truly need to grow to be happy. So if he has no ambition, you could be in for a depressing ride.

My man had ambition when we met, but boy did he underestimate himself. He is absolutely amazing in dealing with people. He knew he wanted to reach a middle level within his industry, he just didn’t think he’d hit his goal in his 20’s. When he spent everyday with someone who had such faith in him (me), he realized that he had set the bar too low. He then added an MBA, and an even better job. But he also realized what impact it would have to move further up in the corporate world. I was so proud when he made the decision to not sacrifice family life for more power. I am still OK with his level of ambition.

Question 26 - Have you discussed your long-term financial goals with your man?

Francesca: My man and I are on two completely separate pages when it comes to our long-term financial goals. I wish we had discussed our “plan” for dealing with finances. They say that money is the number one thing people argue about. I say the kids are first as far as what we argue about, but then definitely money.

I grew up with parents who were extremely poor money managers and constantly talked about their financial woes in front of me. My husband grew up with parents who were business owners and were pretty well off. I’m a spender by nature and my husband is a saver by nature. I’m about today and he’s about tomorrow.

The one thing I do credit my man with is that he taught me how to care about paying my bills on time, which in turn has really done wonderful things for my credit. He really does have great philosophies about money, which have in turn instilled some great money practices in me. There’s always that part of me that just wants to go nuts and have a great time (OK it’s really a big part of me and it’s pretty much every day that I feel this way) but because of him, I’m able to curb that side of me and use my money for important things like my mortgage.

Our differing philosophies have really put a damper on the type of lifestyle each of us wants to live. I don’t get to take as many vacations I want, which puts a damper on my overall happiness, and he doesn’t get to put as much money in the bank as he would like, which puts a damper on his overall happiness. Life is long but life is short and I wish he would let us live it up on some things. Had we sat down before getting married we might have seen that our differences in this area are really something you shouldn’t settle for in a relationship because both of us lose.

Abby: Life is long, but zips past you in the blink of an eye. I’m a planner, so I think discussing what your long-term goals is essential. And I don’t believe that just because you have different spending habits that you can’t share what your goals are, and hopefully develop a plan to reach them.

My man and I were just talking about the importance of having our mortgage paid off when we retire. We had decided this about a decade ago when we watched his mother struggle to pay all of her bills after she was forced into an early retirement. It made a significant difference to her quality of life and her ability to see her grandchildren. We again committed to this goal when we discussed how our neighbor, who is 65 and retired, had her entire financial life ripped out from under her because of the great recession. Unfortunately, she has a large mortgage on a house she’s upside-down on, so she’s stuck.

I also have a friend whose man always wants the newest car. Most people know that buying a new car is not an investment, but an expense. It loses significant value immediately. He wants one every year or two. His goal of having a new car constantly is preventing them from having as secure a future as she would like. Had she known that his goal of car ownership was more important that the goal of financial security for his family, she might have reconsidered marrying him. Lord knows I would have! But what does she do now?

When my man and I discuss how financial planning has impacted the lives of those around us, we are able to determine if we agree with each other, and then develop a plan to address what we’ve discovered. We determine if a purchase or bill will benefit us more in the now than if we put the money toward a longer-term goal. It’s discussing these things continuously that keeps a couple moving in the same direction. You should lay that groundwork before you tie the knot, or you could be in for a nasty surprise.

Question 25 - Do you know your man's views on politics?

Abby: My man and I discuss political issues all of the time. It’s scary to think of the impact politics can have on our daily lives. There are laws for everything. Politics influence how much money you have because your taxes are determined by politicians, how much you spend on health care, how your parents are cared for as they age, whether your neighbor can live in this country.

With so much of your life determined by who you vote for, you want to be sure that I know where my man stands. You don’t have to agree, but you should go into a marriage eyes wide open about what he might think.

As everyone who knows me knows, I’m a bleeding heart liberal. I’ve had people tell me that they don’t want to pay taxes to help others, but to let Brad and Angelina do that. I feel it’s my responsibility to help my fellow man, so I support government programs that help the downtrodden and willingly pay the taxes to do so. As I’ve moved into executive positions in the corporate world, that philosophy hasn’t changed. That philosophy is acted out in how I vote.

For me, I need to know what my man’s thoughts are on these things. I wouldn’t expect to change his opinions, so I’d need to know what they are so that I could make the decision on whether I would want to be with him.

Francesca: Politics bore me.

They are not me or my man's strong suit. We both think most politicians are crooked.

Neither one of us is conservative, so we're usually on the same page when the presidential election comes up. And if you weren't and you were going to vote for one presidential elect and he the other wouldn't our votes cancel each other out anyway?

While personally I don't feel politics should come in the way of any relationship, I certainly see how it could. Strong beliefs that differ can destroy a relationship. At least if you know your man’s views on politics, you can avoid throwing that fight into the mix.