Question 32 - Is your relationship with your man a secret?

Francesca: When I was 14 my best friend was "in love" with Alex. We all hung out together but they were a total couple and Alex and I really didn't even get along. My best friend broke the horrific news to us that she was moving from New York to West Virginia. We were all devastated. She made me promise to look after Alex because she knew, we all knew, how sad he would be after she moved.

To be honest, I never even thought Alex and I would ever speak because I did not intend to “look after him.” Shortly after she moved, I decided I should call Alex to see how he was doing. Somehow, we wound up seeing a movie together. Somehow, as we were watching the movie our hands dropped down and the nest thing you know we were holding them.

Therefore, Alex and I spent months in hiding and we actually dated for about 2 years with some breakups in-between because of kid-type pressures. It was “puppy-love” but the emotions were real. My knees would get weak when I would see him and when we couldn’t see each other for whatever reason it was torturous. It was cool at the time but when we finally did come out with it, definitely was not pretty. We had many friends who were shocked and dismayed; neither one of us looked very well. When my friend who moved away found out, she was just floored. I think she thought they would be “together forever” no matter what. The truth is, none of us should have been so serious at the age. It’s such a foggy memory at this point in my life.

So it all depends on WHY your relationship is a secret. Mine was a secret because it was wrong. If your relationship is a secret because others will get hurt if they find out - your relationship has started out wrong, is wrong and will most likely end on a bad note. If your relationship is a secret because your company will fire you if they find out, that’s a whole different ballgame and not as bad. We were teenagers, so nobody’s job was on the line. Secrets normally aren’t about good things; people hide stuff usually because it’s just plain old wrong. So consider those every time you classify something as “a secret.”

Abby: You hit the nail on the head. People don’t keep good news a secret. People keep bad news a secret. So if your relationship is a secret, you’re probably doing something, or someone, you should be.

My man and I were in the closet for a year before we made our relationship public. We lived together by then, and people still didn’t know. At first, it was because he was my boss. We could have both lost our jobs over it. We were quick to move into different departments, but the damage could have been done. How would our relationship have faired if we hadn’t been so lucky? Not good, I suspect.

You should be able to shout from the rooftops about your relationship with your man. If you can’t tell people, you need to ask yourself why. Is he married? Are you ashamed of him? Will your friends and family not approve so you’re hiding? Will you lose your job? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have a problem. You’re relationship shouldn’t be a secret and the reason it is, is the reason you shouldn’t be with that man.

Question 31 - Do you agree with your man on how much you should contribute toward paying household expenses?

Abby: I just have to say that the way Francesca manages her household expenses is WHACKED! She is responsible for paying the bills, mortgage, daycare, etc. Her man gives her whatever he thinks he should that week. Sometimes it’s a couple hundred, sometimes more. She never knows. Moreover, she doesn’t know how much he makes. Recently, she was short to pay that weeks’ daycare, and it was her problem! She had to go into savings for it. In addition, he criticized her for not having enough and not managing the bills properly. How is she supposed to plan a household budget when she doesn’t know how much income will be coming in?

When you set up house with your man, you had better determine how your bills are going to be paid first. Will you each put in a specific amount? Will you combine your income into a household account? Will you pick certain bills each of you will pay? How much will you save? There are many options.

I’ve done it several ways. I had a boyfriend who I cut a check to every month for the same amount and it was his responsibility to do the bills. I didn’t see how much the bills were, but I didn’t have to worry about them either. Now, my man and I have our checks direct deposited into a joint account. All of our bills are paid on automatic, no matter who generated the expense. We each get some cash and we use a credit card for most purchases (yes, we pay it off each month).

We function as a household. We earn as a household, we spend as a household. If one of us decided to stay home with the kids, does that mean no one pays that person’s expenses? No. So it doesn’t make sense to separate them either. Figure it out ahead of time, or you will feel resentful. Also, keep in mind that your system might need to change over time. Someone might get a big raise, lose a job, have a new bill. My advice is to set up your household budget and bill paying system with potential changes in mind.

Francesca: While I don’t necessarily “agree” with my man on the way we operate from a household expense perspective, the way the expenses are managed is necessary. My paycheck goes direct deposit; he cashes his check, gives me money to cover bills, and then saves the rest. I can tell you right now if I cashed my check and put actual cash in my pocket IT WOULD BE GONE in the flash of an eye. Sometimes I get really pissed off because it feels like bills absorb my paychecks while he gets to “keep” his money. I have to remember that he’s the reason we have emergency funds and he’s the reason we have as much as we have in savings.

I have never heard him complain about how much I contribute. I truly have no idea technically how much is “his” money that is being contributed toward household expenses because that would require an extensive analysis. I realize that for the most part he gasses up the cars, pays the landscaper, etc. The problem (like with everyone) is that there are too many expenses!

What I’ve learned that is most important about household expenses is as a couple, there has to be a comfort level with who’s contributing what. What I would say to do before settling down is make sure that your definition of “lifestyle” is the same. Decide who’s going to manage the majority of finances and how decisions are going to be made. My man won’t hesitate to have a huge car payment but getting him to spend money on a vacation is a whole other feat in itself.

Question 30 - Do you play mind games with your man?

Abby: I was standing in line at the grocery the other day when the man behind me told his buddy that his ex had just texted him, but he wasn’t going to reply right away. But he was going to respond. I turned and looked at him like he was mad. He asks me if I think he’s right. No Way!

All he was doing was stringing along a situation in which he really had no interest. When you really care for someone, you can’t wait to respond to him. And if your man really cares for you, then he can’t wait to hear from you. Playing games just so that you feel that you’re in a position of power leads to your man feeling insecure in the relationship. That leads to a lack of trust. Not in the sense of faithfulness, but in the sense of security. You wouldn’t want to be in that position any more than he does.

Playing games leads to breakups and is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. If you feel like you need to play games with your man, you’ve got a problem. If you’re the one instigating the games, you really aren’t that into your man. If he’s the one playing games, he’s just not that into you. Neither of which leads to a long, healthy marriage.

Francesca: I play mind games with my man. You would think that as time goes by in your relationship you would have to play less games. Not with my man. Seems like the older our relationship gets, the more games we have to play to keep our relationship going.

It’s really unfortunate because I don’t want to play games but seems like I always wind up having to. It’s a mind game where it seems whoever gets upset at the other first is the one to be in control. Mind games are a way for me to try to get out of a submissive role. A high maintenance man requires you to live and breathe for that person, no matter how many kids you have, no matter how tired you are, no matter what is going around you. It doesn’t matter how you feel and that’s where the mind games come in.

If you can’t be honest about your feelings with your man, whether your feelings are good or bad, reconsider your relationship because it will only get more difficult as time goes on. Mind games can never be the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you find yourself feeling forced to play them, take it as a sign that the relationship you’re in isn’t healthy.

Question 29 - Does your man agree with your level of ambition?

Francesca: You want a man who’s secure enough within himself to withstand what you’re capable of. Most people SAY they want their spouses to succeed, yet oftentimes if the spouse winds up succeeding, the couple breaks up! If you pick someone who gets intimidated by your successes, you will never be half of what you can be and you’ll wind up discontented. Andre Agassi got to the best times of his career after he married Stefi Graf – not when he was married to Brooke Shields and that’s because Stefi understands what Andre is all about; they have common ground.

I think my man is completely intimidated by my level of ambition. It will be a cold day in hell before he would ever admit it. I do most of the work at home and he absolutely has at least 50% more free time than I do. I guess you could say he agrees with my level of ambition, because it benefits him that I’ve come as far as I have. Still, it frustrates the heck out of me because I could be so much more than I already am if I had his support.

I could write the book I’ve always wanted to write in 1 year versus 3; I could back up sing in a band like I’ve always wanted to; I could get my Master’s degree; I could raise my kids more like I want to, close to and around family, etc. My goal has been to move back to New York forever. I’ve been telling my man I need to do my resume and send it out and get an offer and he says, “Go ahead, do it.” How the heck am I going to cook dinner, do the laundry, straighten up the house, react every time one of my three kids says “mom” and help with homework, bathe them, and pay bills while I’m sending out my resume? Seriously, give me a break.

I can’t say that I do everything I say I’m going to do, but he should be scared if I did actually do everything I want to do. The reason I don’t get to do everything I say I’m going to do is because I don’t get the support I need from him in order to do it and no, this is not a lame excuse. I just believe that there is time in my day to accomplish everything I want to accomplish IF I married someone who cared enough about me and less about themselves. When you choose your man, choose wisely – choose a man who will feed and support your dreams and be happy if you succeed, not someone who you think might not be happy if you become all you can be.

Abby: Ambition is a tricky subject for many women. Are you going to be Supermom, Career Woman, Trophy Wife? You have visions of what you want your future to be. Does he know what that vision is? Is he ok with it?

My friend married a woman he met in college who had a great career at the Fed. They were on they’re way. However, when they started a family, that path changed. She decided to decrease her workload. She turned down promotions. Even when he lost his job, she refused to work full-time. She believed her role was to spend time volunteering in her kids’ class. She comes from a traditional family, so it should not have really been a surprise that she believe her role was as caregiver rather than breadwinner.

Her man almost divorced her because he did not agree with her level of ambition. He was truly surprised at how things were turning out. He thought she would be the career woman she had always been. Yes, he knew she would have her role as a mom, but he just assumed her career ambitions. Makes me wonder if he would have chosen to marry her if he had known. They should have talked about it!

Question 28 - Is your man polite to you?

Abby: Key to a good relationship is a pleasant relationship. People underestimate the importance of politeness. How are you going to feel if your man is more polite to the waiter than he is to you? You should be the most important person in his life. He should treat you like you are, and that means being polite to you. If he doesn’t even say thank you when you get him a drink, how do you think he’s going to treat you down the road? He will take you for granted.

My man treats me with the same level of politeness at the kitchen table that he does if he were at a business luncheon. And I do the same to him. He thinks to refill my drink we he does his, asks if I need anything when he goes to the kitchen, holds doors for me when we go shopping, and says thank you. We don’t allow familiarity to degrade the way we treat each other in day-to-day life. It makes for a much more pleasant environment. We definitely notice when other couples aren’t polite to each other. They’re almost gruff.

Francesca: My man is not as polite to me as I would like him to be. Being polite is about gestures of kindness for me. Politeness ties into to caring about someone overall; it’s not just about please and thank you. It’s about noticing things like when I don’t feel well and being polite in offering to make me a cup of tea. It’s about letting me sleep in on the weekend versus purposefully waking me up so he doesn’t have to deal with the kids by himself, which he often does.

When I think “back to the beginning,” there was always such chaos and commotion going on between us that I didn’t even consider whether his level of politeness was acceptable to me. I just knew he was “hot” and I was going to put up with whatever he had to dish out even if it was wrong. It shouldn’t be this way and that’s what I get for being vane.

Your man should be polite to you from day one; he should always consider your feelings. The minute he stops being polite or shows you signs that he has the ability of being anything but polite, you need to question it. Whatever seems small now will be magnified 10 years later. He calls you a “jerk” today no big deal, right? 10 years from now, he could be calling you much worse names. You need to notice the small things about your man that nag at you and PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. Don’t shove your instincts and those nagging feelings under the carpet. Sure it’s hard to think long-term when you’re young or when you’re vulnerable or maybe when you’re not even looking for a relationship but you have to do it. The man you choose will affect the rest of your life, especially if you have children with him.

Question 27 - Are you OK with your man's level of ambition?

Francesca: No, I’m not OK with my man’s level of ambition. There is such a HUGE difference between talking about doing something and actually doing something. Sometimes I’ll be at a restaurant or in a store and I’m watching people talk and I wonder about all of the bullshit that is coming out of their mouth. It seems to me that is what most people do.

Now the Donald Trump’s, the Bill Gates’, the Joel Olsten’s, and the Oprah Winfrey’s of the world don’t just sit around bullshitting; they actually do something with their ideas. I always wonder how someone like “Eminem” who basically grew up in a trailer park got where he is. And what about 50-cent, who was shot like 9 times and is now hugely successful – how to he go from lying in a hospital almost dead to 50-cent the famous rich rapper???

Now I’m not nearly perfect at doing what I say I’m going to do all the time, but my man hardly does anything he says he is going to do. He is not an action-oriented person and he’s always been a dreamer. He’s had some decent ideas and has done nothing with them. All the time I spend listening to his regrets like there is nothing he can do about it now! Whether it’s out of fear or procrastination or laziness, whatever it is that’s holding him back, I wish for his own sake he would get off his ass and find what it is that floats his boat. For example, “I should have gone to college.” Ok, then go now! He acts as if his life is over. My man makes me feel like crap because he acts as if having a wife and kids has translated into his life being over. You and I both know that he would act like this whether or not he had a wife and kids.

Pay attention to what your man SAYS he’s going to do and what your man ACTUALLY does. Watch to see if his words match his actions, and if they don’t, heed this as a big sign that he’s on the road to nowhere fast. Or maybe he’s on the road to average-ness fast and you have to convince yourself that being average is OK. Or, maybe you’re OK with average-ness, but your man really isn’t OK with it; he just doesn’t know what to do about it, which makes for a very frustrating life. If you choose a man but you’re not OK with his level of ambition, you will suffer right along with him.

Abby: A man’s level of ambition affects every aspect of his life. It’ll determine how much money he makes, the time he spends with his family, his fitness level, and his peace of mind. Because all of those aspects will affect your life too, you had better be OK with how ambitious he is.

Families with more money are healthier, and some might argue happier because of less stress. But, making more money comes at the cost of time. If your man is super ambitious, he might be OK billing 100-hour workweeks to make six figures. But that means you don’t see him. Is that big house worth it? Does he work so much that he can’t take care of his body? If your man is so ambitious, that he’ll end up fat or dead from a heart attack, that doesn’t help you either (no insurance jokes, please). Conversely, if he’s not ambitious, will that wear away at his peace of mind, or yours? Humans truly need to grow to be happy. So if he has no ambition, you could be in for a depressing ride.

My man had ambition when we met, but boy did he underestimate himself. He is absolutely amazing in dealing with people. He knew he wanted to reach a middle level within his industry, he just didn’t think he’d hit his goal in his 20’s. When he spent everyday with someone who had such faith in him (me), he realized that he had set the bar too low. He then added an MBA, and an even better job. But he also realized what impact it would have to move further up in the corporate world. I was so proud when he made the decision to not sacrifice family life for more power. I am still OK with his level of ambition.

Question 26 - Have you discussed your long-term financial goals with your man?

Francesca: My man and I are on two completely separate pages when it comes to our long-term financial goals. I wish we had discussed our “plan” for dealing with finances. They say that money is the number one thing people argue about. I say the kids are first as far as what we argue about, but then definitely money.

I grew up with parents who were extremely poor money managers and constantly talked about their financial woes in front of me. My husband grew up with parents who were business owners and were pretty well off. I’m a spender by nature and my husband is a saver by nature. I’m about today and he’s about tomorrow.

The one thing I do credit my man with is that he taught me how to care about paying my bills on time, which in turn has really done wonderful things for my credit. He really does have great philosophies about money, which have in turn instilled some great money practices in me. There’s always that part of me that just wants to go nuts and have a great time (OK it’s really a big part of me and it’s pretty much every day that I feel this way) but because of him, I’m able to curb that side of me and use my money for important things like my mortgage.

Our differing philosophies have really put a damper on the type of lifestyle each of us wants to live. I don’t get to take as many vacations I want, which puts a damper on my overall happiness, and he doesn’t get to put as much money in the bank as he would like, which puts a damper on his overall happiness. Life is long but life is short and I wish he would let us live it up on some things. Had we sat down before getting married we might have seen that our differences in this area are really something you shouldn’t settle for in a relationship because both of us lose.

Abby: Life is long, but zips past you in the blink of an eye. I’m a planner, so I think discussing what your long-term goals is essential. And I don’t believe that just because you have different spending habits that you can’t share what your goals are, and hopefully develop a plan to reach them.

My man and I were just talking about the importance of having our mortgage paid off when we retire. We had decided this about a decade ago when we watched his mother struggle to pay all of her bills after she was forced into an early retirement. It made a significant difference to her quality of life and her ability to see her grandchildren. We again committed to this goal when we discussed how our neighbor, who is 65 and retired, had her entire financial life ripped out from under her because of the great recession. Unfortunately, she has a large mortgage on a house she’s upside-down on, so she’s stuck.

I also have a friend whose man always wants the newest car. Most people know that buying a new car is not an investment, but an expense. It loses significant value immediately. He wants one every year or two. His goal of having a new car constantly is preventing them from having as secure a future as she would like. Had she known that his goal of car ownership was more important that the goal of financial security for his family, she might have reconsidered marrying him. Lord knows I would have! But what does she do now?

When my man and I discuss how financial planning has impacted the lives of those around us, we are able to determine if we agree with each other, and then develop a plan to address what we’ve discovered. We determine if a purchase or bill will benefit us more in the now than if we put the money toward a longer-term goal. It’s discussing these things continuously that keeps a couple moving in the same direction. You should lay that groundwork before you tie the knot, or you could be in for a nasty surprise.