Question 29 - Does your man agree with your level of ambition?

Francesca: You want a man who’s secure enough within himself to withstand what you’re capable of. Most people SAY they want their spouses to succeed, yet oftentimes if the spouse winds up succeeding, the couple breaks up! If you pick someone who gets intimidated by your successes, you will never be half of what you can be and you’ll wind up discontented. Andre Agassi got to the best times of his career after he married Stefi Graf – not when he was married to Brooke Shields and that’s because Stefi understands what Andre is all about; they have common ground.

I think my man is completely intimidated by my level of ambition. It will be a cold day in hell before he would ever admit it. I do most of the work at home and he absolutely has at least 50% more free time than I do. I guess you could say he agrees with my level of ambition, because it benefits him that I’ve come as far as I have. Still, it frustrates the heck out of me because I could be so much more than I already am if I had his support.

I could write the book I’ve always wanted to write in 1 year versus 3; I could back up sing in a band like I’ve always wanted to; I could get my Master’s degree; I could raise my kids more like I want to, close to and around family, etc. My goal has been to move back to New York forever. I’ve been telling my man I need to do my resume and send it out and get an offer and he says, “Go ahead, do it.” How the heck am I going to cook dinner, do the laundry, straighten up the house, react every time one of my three kids says “mom” and help with homework, bathe them, and pay bills while I’m sending out my resume? Seriously, give me a break.

I can’t say that I do everything I say I’m going to do, but he should be scared if I did actually do everything I want to do. The reason I don’t get to do everything I say I’m going to do is because I don’t get the support I need from him in order to do it and no, this is not a lame excuse. I just believe that there is time in my day to accomplish everything I want to accomplish IF I married someone who cared enough about me and less about themselves. When you choose your man, choose wisely – choose a man who will feed and support your dreams and be happy if you succeed, not someone who you think might not be happy if you become all you can be.

Abby: Ambition is a tricky subject for many women. Are you going to be Supermom, Career Woman, Trophy Wife? You have visions of what you want your future to be. Does he know what that vision is? Is he ok with it?

My friend married a woman he met in college who had a great career at the Fed. They were on they’re way. However, when they started a family, that path changed. She decided to decrease her workload. She turned down promotions. Even when he lost his job, she refused to work full-time. She believed her role was to spend time volunteering in her kids’ class. She comes from a traditional family, so it should not have really been a surprise that she believe her role was as caregiver rather than breadwinner.

Her man almost divorced her because he did not agree with her level of ambition. He was truly surprised at how things were turning out. He thought she would be the career woman she had always been. Yes, he knew she would have her role as a mom, but he just assumed her career ambitions. Makes me wonder if he would have chosen to marry her if he had known. They should have talked about it!