Abby: This one can be a killer as your relationship matures. If your attitude is anti-drug use, you should not marry a man who uses drugs. Conversely, if you use drugs, you shouldn't marry a man who doesn't. You can't change people, so you need to be comfortable with the behaviors that they have and assume they'll be that way for the long haul.
If you assume your man smokes pot but will grow out of it when you have kids, you're setting yourself up for failure. He might, but he might not. And you need to be comfortable living with the might not. If you really can't see yourself with a man who smokes pot when he's 50 or could be too stoned to help you care for your baby, then you don't want to marry that man.
What made me think about it is I used to have a boyfriend who smoked pot with his mom. Her husband was cool with that. Would you be? Most people have a definitive yes or no to that question. Whichever it is, it needs to be the same as your man.
Francesca: He SMOKED POT WITH HIS MOM???
Smoking pot is retarded because it makes you retarded. No I would not be OK if my man smoked pot regularly. However, if he smoked “once in a while” I might not mind. If you’re not on the same page about drug usage with your man than be on the lookout for many arguments to come.
And don’t forget, many people are abusing prescribed drugs as well. Drugs in general are stupid and I feel really sorry for people who get addicted. This can happen at any time so even if you and your man agree on drug usage this can change at any time just like anything else if he puts himself in situations where his beliefs can be compromised.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Question 2 - Does your man have a college degree?
Abby: This is a mandatory one in my book for three reasons. First, a man with a college degree will statistically earn more over his lifetime. This recession has also emphasized the difference in the earning power of a college degree because the unemployment rate for the college educated is near 4%, about half that of the general population. Since finances are the most common thing that causes couples to fight, you should set yourself up for success. By picking a man with a college degree, you are decreasing your odds of misery caused by money. You won't eliminate the money issues, but you'll at least decrease them. And the goal here is to help you determine if the guy you think is fabulous now will be the guy you think is fabulous in 50 years.
The second reason it's important is that college educated people are more likely to associate with other college educated people. This allows you and your man access to a network to help you achieve your goals, whatever they might be.
The last reason is that he'll have more to talk about. While you might not be doing much talking now, trust me, when you're old, this will be really important.
Francesca: Finishing college does mean something. Your man should have a college degree especially if you have one. If you finished college than you know it takes commitment. Listen it's an accomplishment to be proud of that not everyone can say they've done. Even if he doesn't know what he's going to do with the degree he has, even if he's not doing what he went to college for the bottom line is he went and he has something to fall back on if his other plans fall through.
Studies show people with a college degree earn more than someone without one. Being the breadwinner isn't a bad thing IF you have a choice in whether or not you're the one bringing home bank. Once you get involved with someone and have kids, you are in danger of letting things "fall into place." And that place might be where you don't have the choice on who the breadwinner is going to be which is where the pressure begins to have it all and do it all and guess who's "doing it all"? YOU.
Alright this is just my opinion but I bet I could find a hell of a lot of women who say it appears as though they take care of the kids more, worry more and take on a bigger load than their man. Having a college degree sure doesn't guarantee anything but a man with a labor intensive job which are a lot of jobs college isn't required can have a huge argument to be tired all the time. I've heard this before - you have a desk job what are you tired about? Wow have I gone off on a tangent or what!
The second reason it's important is that college educated people are more likely to associate with other college educated people. This allows you and your man access to a network to help you achieve your goals, whatever they might be.
The last reason is that he'll have more to talk about. While you might not be doing much talking now, trust me, when you're old, this will be really important.
Francesca: Finishing college does mean something. Your man should have a college degree especially if you have one. If you finished college than you know it takes commitment. Listen it's an accomplishment to be proud of that not everyone can say they've done. Even if he doesn't know what he's going to do with the degree he has, even if he's not doing what he went to college for the bottom line is he went and he has something to fall back on if his other plans fall through.
Studies show people with a college degree earn more than someone without one. Being the breadwinner isn't a bad thing IF you have a choice in whether or not you're the one bringing home bank. Once you get involved with someone and have kids, you are in danger of letting things "fall into place." And that place might be where you don't have the choice on who the breadwinner is going to be which is where the pressure begins to have it all and do it all and guess who's "doing it all"? YOU.
Alright this is just my opinion but I bet I could find a hell of a lot of women who say it appears as though they take care of the kids more, worry more and take on a bigger load than their man. Having a college degree sure doesn't guarantee anything but a man with a labor intensive job which are a lot of jobs college isn't required can have a huge argument to be tired all the time. I've heard this before - you have a desk job what are you tired about? Wow have I gone off on a tangent or what!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Question 1 - Does your man want to be with you?
Abby: This may seem like a given, but we’ve all experienced the feeling when someone just doesn’t care when they see us next, or vice versa. I’m not talking about does he want to see you again after the first date; I’m talking about when you’ve been dating for months and are wondering about your future with him. If he isn’t looking forward to seeing you soon, you’ve got a problem. He’s just not that into you, and that is not something that improves with time.
I learned this lesson when I was dating a guy that seemed fabulous according to all of the criteria in my test that I had established thus far. He was successful, attractive, and fun. I could have continued dating him for months, maybe even married him. But I just had the sense that this wasn’t the full package. That was when it hit me. I was a catch to him, someone who would make a good wife, help his career, and impress his family. As he was talking about me moving into his penthouse, it occurred to me that I’d be setting myself for a lonely life where my husband wasn’t my companion. Plus, when he doesn’t care if you’re around early in the relationship, when sparks are flying, you can bet his eye will wander and you’ll be faced with a cheater. It’s mandatory in my book that my man want to be with me.
Francesca: We see it time after time that women totally "fail" to see the "signs" of when your man is cheating on you, when he becomes disinterested in you, or when he plain just doesn't care. It is so obvious when a man doesn't want to be with you. I'm sure there are those rare instances where people get absolutely sideswiped but for the most part, I believe we don't fail to see the signs; I believe we consciously choose to ignore the signs.
Rejection sucks, nobody likes it and nobody wants to be the victim of it. Some people say the number one greatest fear in life in public speaking; I disagree - I think it's rejection. That's why people choose to ignore the signs. If you acknowledge the fact that a man has become disinterested in you that would imply you are no longer in control of the situation (which you are not) which means there is great chance you are going to be rejected. So you do whatever you can to salvage what is left of what is inevitably going to end anyway. We drag it out.
How great would it be to just say to a man, you know what? You are totally uninterested in this relationship - don't lie, don't deny it and don't make excuses because I KNOW your priorities lie elsewhere. This is where the game comes in. The minute you do that guess what? You are in control. So what most men do is make excuses, deny, deny deny and then so goes the dragging it out part. Why do men get so many chances? Why can't we just know it's not right and walk away for good? No matter how it happens, it still hurts.
When someone wants to be with you, you know it. You know it in your brain, you know it in your heart, you know it in your bones, and you just know it. Same way "you just know it" when your man doesn't want to be with you, only admitting it when he doesn't is the tricky part.
I learned this lesson when I was dating a guy that seemed fabulous according to all of the criteria in my test that I had established thus far. He was successful, attractive, and fun. I could have continued dating him for months, maybe even married him. But I just had the sense that this wasn’t the full package. That was when it hit me. I was a catch to him, someone who would make a good wife, help his career, and impress his family. As he was talking about me moving into his penthouse, it occurred to me that I’d be setting myself for a lonely life where my husband wasn’t my companion. Plus, when he doesn’t care if you’re around early in the relationship, when sparks are flying, you can bet his eye will wander and you’ll be faced with a cheater. It’s mandatory in my book that my man want to be with me.
Francesca: We see it time after time that women totally "fail" to see the "signs" of when your man is cheating on you, when he becomes disinterested in you, or when he plain just doesn't care. It is so obvious when a man doesn't want to be with you. I'm sure there are those rare instances where people get absolutely sideswiped but for the most part, I believe we don't fail to see the signs; I believe we consciously choose to ignore the signs.
Rejection sucks, nobody likes it and nobody wants to be the victim of it. Some people say the number one greatest fear in life in public speaking; I disagree - I think it's rejection. That's why people choose to ignore the signs. If you acknowledge the fact that a man has become disinterested in you that would imply you are no longer in control of the situation (which you are not) which means there is great chance you are going to be rejected. So you do whatever you can to salvage what is left of what is inevitably going to end anyway. We drag it out.
How great would it be to just say to a man, you know what? You are totally uninterested in this relationship - don't lie, don't deny it and don't make excuses because I KNOW your priorities lie elsewhere. This is where the game comes in. The minute you do that guess what? You are in control. So what most men do is make excuses, deny, deny deny and then so goes the dragging it out part. Why do men get so many chances? Why can't we just know it's not right and walk away for good? No matter how it happens, it still hurts.
When someone wants to be with you, you know it. You know it in your brain, you know it in your heart, you know it in your bones, and you just know it. Same way "you just know it" when your man doesn't want to be with you, only admitting it when he doesn't is the tricky part.
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