Question 17 - Are you ok with your man's level of household cleanliness?

Abby: As your family grows, this is a factor that people don’t take seriously enough. Most couples fight at least once a month about cleaning, not to mention the resentment that lingers and filters into other areas of your relationship.

My man is not especially neat. When we were dating, I refused to even take a shower at his place. YUCK! He’s gotten a little better as he’s gotten older. Better, but still not good. Then again, I’m no clean freak myself. Before we ever got married, we acknowledged the reality of how much time we were willing to allocate to cleaning and decided it was worth paying for a housekeeper rather than fight about it. We were honest with ourselves and each other.

Later, when our first baby was itty-bitty, we were hiking in Utah with a lady who was telling us about her 10 kids. We asked her what her secret was to making it work. She said right away that she always kept a housekeeper. That she would sacrifice other things to keep the housekeeper because it kept her family from erupting.

We really thought about the wisdom in that advice and now have the same practice. Even though my house is full of toys immediately after the housekeeper leaves, at least I know my floors are clean and toilets scrubbed. I can spend time bonding with my man rather than being grumpy about cleaning or feeling like I’m doing more chores than he is. We eliminate that fight completely.

Now, the first response most people have to this is “I can’t afford a housekeeper.” The key here is deciding what your priorities are. For us, getting along was the most important thing. So when we built our budget, the housekeeper was more important than cable, cell phones, DSL, dinner out, movies, buying books, or going to the bar. We would even live in a smaller house just so we didn’t fight about cleaning. Give up soda or switch to the generic brand. Even if it’s once a month, you can probably find the money. Our priority is each other and we will sacrifice whatever it takes so that something as stupid as vacuuming doesn’t tank our relationship.

Francesca: My man is crazy-obsessive about a clean house. He says he likes cleaning but in my opinion he only likes the RESULTS - not necessarily the work it takes to get there.

We have had ONE cleaning lady over the years who can "clean like he does.". Why do I say this you ask? Because he curses and throws shit and bosses everyone around to clean with him whenever he freaking decides its time. I'm not OK with it because it's not done with pleasure and it gets my whole house in a frenzy.

I know you are probably thinking, "SHUT UP!". How dare I complain that my man cleans. You don't understand. I would be grateful and glad if he cleaned out of the goodness of his heart and he was doing it to keep everyone from getting sick or simply to help me out. But he does it for purely selfish reasons - HE can't stand clutter. HE can't take "the filth.". OK I don't think I've ever heard anyone say yea! I'm so excited, clutter and filth are for me bring it on. Find out what your man's household cleaning habits before you even CONSIDER living with him.

Question 16 - Are you OK with the risk involved with staying with a man with an addiction?

Abby: When I first started dating my man, I knew something was odd. I could tell that he had something going on that he wasn’t telling me about, but I didn’t know what it was. We were living in New Orleans, so I didn’t think much of the late nights. I was pretty sure it wasn’t drugs, but eventually I asked what was going on. Turns out, he had developed an addiction to gambling from those late nights. And here I was worried about drugs and alcohol.

I found a Gamblers Anonymous group and he agreed to go with me. I arranged my schedule so that he could take my car to go to meetings. I took over his finances so that if he should slip, he couldn’t do that much damage to himself. In seeing how he dealt with my intervention, I gained a pretty good understanding of the risk I was taking continuing a relationship with him.

Living with an addict is something that will always impact your life. For several years, my man would fall off the wagon every few months and I’d awake in the wee hours and have to go search for him. He was always remorseful and self-loathing and I’d have to help him though it. Even though he hasn’t had an episode in years, there are still nights when he’s out with the guys that I fear he’ll stumble. That fear will never go away. So when you consider your future with your man, consider the feelings that you will carry with you everyday. Is your man worth it?

Francesca: My man has an addiction to misery. It’s true. I didn’t see the signs and I didn’t pay attention to what I should have. With misery comes drama. My man exaggerates most everything and makes a huge deal out of small things or things that could be taken care of with a quick phone call.

Now I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s your typical addiction that I could compare it to like a sexual addiction, an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction. I was OK with the risk associated with his particular addiction because at the time when I met my man I could feed his addiction. I could be part of his addiction. However, 20 years and 3 kids later, the misery and drama is very old to me. I’m numb to it. Like many women, I expected he would “change”, especially after having kids.

Addictions will take the life out of not only the person who has the addiction but everything surrounding it. I’m not OK NOW with risking my sanity, my time, and my emotions on someone who has a hang-up that most likely will never be resolved. Having to “discipline” an adult like a child is pathetic and it gets old fast.

The chance of addict relapsing is extremely high; I think I read only 5% in recovery actually stay clean and sober. Psychologists say, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”, and they are right on. So make sure that you are ok with the worst-case scenario of your man’s addiction.

Question 15 - Are you settling for your man because you're afraid to lose the time you've invested?

Abby: This happens more frequently than not. People are scared to be alone, scared to start over, scared there’s nothing better out there. But that’s just stupid. If you settle, and you know you’re settling, all that will happen is that you’ll end up divorced in a few years. Eventually it will get to you. You will discover that you are worth more than settling.

I dated a man for several years, knowing the whole time that he was not Mr. Right. We lived together, traveled the world, participated in family events together. Everyone assumed we would get married. But I knew we wouldn’t. I needed him while we were together, but knew that eventually I’d be strong enough to stand on my own and leave him. He was what I needed at that time in my life, but never once did I consider settling for someone that I knew wasn’t right for me just because it was convenient and I’d invested years with him.

Francesca: So many people do this! Chris Rock once said, "Life is not short, life is long!!!" Boy is he right. Don't EVER worry about how much time you have invested with your man because you can't get it back. What's done is done. Don't cry over spilt milk and any other phase you can think of that will convince you NOT to think this way. The time you've invested in your man DOESN'T MATTER. It never ever ever ever ever ever ever matters. That's like saying why strive for anything because I've spent all this time having nothing!!! People who accomplish things, move forward, achieve great success or have anything worth having don't get it with this attitude.

Listen I get it that there's something to be said for "wasting" your time but chalk it up to an experience. Chalk it up to if this never happened you wouldn't be who you are. But don't stay with your man because you feel like you have to because time is lost. It would have been lost anyway, you can't stop the clock. No one can.

The best thing to do is use the experience, LEARN from it and don't EVER forget what you've learned from it. Time gets away from you and it's so hard not to think this way. Of course, different situations warrant different action. If you have kids that may add lifeyears to the time you've already invested. Just don't let the mentality of staying BECAUSE you've invested so many years be the ultimate deciding factor.

Question 14 - Are you OK with how many children your man currently has?

Abby: Marrying a man with kids brings with it a whole set of issues. What role will you play? Are you ready to be a parent? How will the kids respond to you? Will there be a relationship with the mother? It adds a level of stress to a marriage. You need to consider if you’re ready to jump into that level of complexity in your first year of marriage.

This was a deal-breaker for me. I refused to even date men who had children. I did not want to entertain the possibility of getting serious with a man who had that baggage. The key here is that I knew how I felt about it. I wasn’t going to get myself into a situation I’d regret. My friends are shocked at how absolute I was about it, considering how much of a mom I am now.

For many people, it’s not an issue and they love their man’s kids. But make sure you know how you feel. Really ask yourself what your feelings are so you go into a relationship being true to yourself.

Francesca: Children are a HUGE undertaking and even more-so when they're someone else's. I have an acquaintance who accepted 3 tween/teenage girls and a son into her life unexpectedly and to me she is a saint. Their biological mom pretty much told her new husband. "Here you go, they're all yours!" and this woman has stepped up to the plate in a way that I so admire. She also wound up having a son of her own!

Because these kids were rejected by their own mother they really appreciate their "new mom" but many situations are not like this. There are ex's and childcare arrangements and arguing and child support and then comes the love and attention that children need (and deserve - they didn't ask to be brought into this world), it's exhausting just thinking about it.

The MINUTE you find out someone you are with has kids RUN. Just kidding, don't run but think about truly whether or not you will be able to be a parent to his kids. If you're considering settling down with someone, their kids are going to be a part of your life too.

Also, if your man doesn't have a relationship with his kids consider that too because then he's not a man at all. There are no excuses like "She didn't let me see them"; there is only laziness and that's a great indication of what you have to look forward to if you have kids with him.

Question 13 - Is your man's race an issue?

Abby: You’d think in this day and age that race wouldn’t be an issue, but it still is. Only 5% of marriages are interracial. So you could still face some difficult conversations and decisions if your man is a different race. Not only might you discover that your family is less approving, but you might discover that you come from a background of unspoken racism. Some people would rather not face those issues and should choose a man accordingly.

My man is of a different race and I remember being nervous about introducing my parents to him. Now I’m hard-headed enough that I was prepared for a fight should one arise. My mid-western family was very accepting and in a weird way, almost bragged about it. However, my mother’s parents were not accepting. I made the decision that I did not need their racist views in my life and was comfortable excluding them from my life. I went years without speaking to them. My mother even stopped talking to them because of their views. It was several years down the road that they reached and asked if they could see me and meet my husband. Yes, you read that right…they had never even met him yet had deemed him unworthy. I made the hard choice of my man over my grandparents. If your man is of a different race, you’ll need to consider how hard you’re willing to fight those that matter the most to you.

Another aspect of interracial marriage to consider is the impact it will have on your children. Mixed kids often struggle with identity issues, not feeling a part of either race. You’ll need to work harder than same race parents to keep your kids confident. Is that something you’re willing to face to be with your man?

Francesca: I have to be honest, dating is one thing but settling down with someone of a different race is something entirely different. I know of someone now who just had a baby with a man of another race and all I can think of is what lies ahead for her. I'm not saying it's not worth it but for me it would be too much to handle. There are other things I would rather have to worry about.

We all know by now that Francesca is a little selfish... and vain... OK back to the question maybe it was engrained in my head to just not go there. Again, dating is one thing but committing to someone of a different race is another. Just thinking about the stares or the questions that would be asked as a result of other people's curiosity is too much for someone who worries A LOT about what other people think.

You have to be super secure in your own skin and really educated on what to anticipate from society. Sure, people are more open to it but there are always going to be ignorant, mean people out there who won't hesitate to make snide comments or point their finger at you and those are OUTSIDERS who feel comfortable enough to do that!

Think long and hard about whether or not you AND your man would make it through the hardships of a bi-racial relationship because relationships are complicated WITHOUT factoring this into the picture.