Question 16 - Are you OK with the risk involved with staying with a man with an addiction?

Abby: When I first started dating my man, I knew something was odd. I could tell that he had something going on that he wasn’t telling me about, but I didn’t know what it was. We were living in New Orleans, so I didn’t think much of the late nights. I was pretty sure it wasn’t drugs, but eventually I asked what was going on. Turns out, he had developed an addiction to gambling from those late nights. And here I was worried about drugs and alcohol.

I found a Gamblers Anonymous group and he agreed to go with me. I arranged my schedule so that he could take my car to go to meetings. I took over his finances so that if he should slip, he couldn’t do that much damage to himself. In seeing how he dealt with my intervention, I gained a pretty good understanding of the risk I was taking continuing a relationship with him.

Living with an addict is something that will always impact your life. For several years, my man would fall off the wagon every few months and I’d awake in the wee hours and have to go search for him. He was always remorseful and self-loathing and I’d have to help him though it. Even though he hasn’t had an episode in years, there are still nights when he’s out with the guys that I fear he’ll stumble. That fear will never go away. So when you consider your future with your man, consider the feelings that you will carry with you everyday. Is your man worth it?

Francesca: My man has an addiction to misery. It’s true. I didn’t see the signs and I didn’t pay attention to what I should have. With misery comes drama. My man exaggerates most everything and makes a huge deal out of small things or things that could be taken care of with a quick phone call.

Now I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s your typical addiction that I could compare it to like a sexual addiction, an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction. I was OK with the risk associated with his particular addiction because at the time when I met my man I could feed his addiction. I could be part of his addiction. However, 20 years and 3 kids later, the misery and drama is very old to me. I’m numb to it. Like many women, I expected he would “change”, especially after having kids.

Addictions will take the life out of not only the person who has the addiction but everything surrounding it. I’m not OK NOW with risking my sanity, my time, and my emotions on someone who has a hang-up that most likely will never be resolved. Having to “discipline” an adult like a child is pathetic and it gets old fast.

The chance of addict relapsing is extremely high; I think I read only 5% in recovery actually stay clean and sober. Psychologists say, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”, and they are right on. So make sure that you are ok with the worst-case scenario of your man’s addiction.