Question 11 - Is your man fiscally responsible?

Francesca: Money is no joke. We all hear it; finances are the number one thing couples fight about. You have to believe there is some serious validity to that claim. Take the time to pay attention to any financial habits that could contribute to your demise. Having a fiscally responsible man won’t ensure your happiness but it can make your life a hell of a lot easier. Remember, judgment about everything gets clouded when you’re in love or lust – pick up on signs early, can you imagine being “had” by a man and losing things you’ve worked hard for that have taken time to accumulate because your man wasn’t fiscally responsible. Hell no, don’t let it happen.

First, be in control of your money before you even think about combining cash and assets.

Second, if you see your man spending money like a rock star on the income of entry level supervisor take it as a red flag that you will be in debt before you can say the word bankruptcy. If your man squeaks when he walks take that as a red flag that any purchase you make is going to be scrutinized and you are going to go from those pumps you buy at Macy’s to plastic flats from Payless. Observation in this area is key and don’t assess him during the wooing stages. If you’re serious about him, assess him after 6 months; by then you should have a good feel for his use of a card versus cash, his income versus his spending habits and indications of any irresponsibility on his part.

My man is a stronger money manager than I am but he also has some squeak-age going on which he refers to as frugality. Thankfully, my man instilled some very good money management practices in me to the point where I conveniently handle all of our finances. While I appreciate and value everything I learned from him, as an adult I don’t appreciate being hassled about every purchase I make especially when we’re equal breadwinners

I can’t have an “emergency stash” because my man is like a detective and not like the one on Get Smart and if he realized I had an emergency stash he would equate that to my hiding other things from him. But I’m smart enough to know that I should and if you can pull it off I would definitely recommend it. Make yourself number one.

Abby: People can be savers or spenders and still be fiscally responsible. It’s all about balance. It’s also something a man can learn.

Having a man that’s a spender can be a little scarier than having a man that’s a saver, but that can be very frustrating too. Spenders can get in debt that is way over their heads. They can cause a family to not be able to reach goals, like buying a house. They can threaten the safety of a family by spending the rent money on the wrong things. Having a saver can cause you to have your financial safety cushion, but feel poor. It’s like having a big house but not being able to afford to go out to dinner; you’ve created your own prison.

When I met my man, he was not fiscally responsible. He blew his money going out every night. It was so bad that he could not afford to buy his own soap! At one point, he told me he was going to move out of state, back with his parents, because he just couldn’t handle the party scene in New Orleans. I forced him to move in with me and I took over his financial situation. It was extreme at first, but he needed serious help. I gave him an allowance and took the rest of his paychecks to pay of his bills. As the months went by, we discussed the progress he was making financially, and slowly he was allowed more control over his finances. The big issues with him were that he didn’t know very much about finances, had never made as much money as he was then, and had never been in an environment that partied around the clock. It was a perfect storm and it almost took him down.

My story had a happy ending, but that was because my man admitted that he needed help. If he had hidden it from me or was pig headed enough to not allow someone to help, we might not have made it. We would have constantly had stress regarding how much debt he was creating. That would have been a horrible way to live. You need to have conversations about finances with your man before you consider marriage. You need to understand each other’s behaviors and how you will each respond to the other’s weaknesses. If he’s not willing to have these talks with you, then he’s probably not willing to be a financial partner with you, which is a weak foundation for marriage. Knowledge is the key to success in this area.