Question 12 - Is your man's religion an issue?

Francesca: I am half-Italian & half-Polish and was adopted into a Jewish family. They tried sending me to Hebrew school (yes they tried sending Francesca to Hebrew school - can you believe it), they tried feeding me herring and they tried to make me give a sermon at Passover. I can be a spokesperson about someone who was forced into a religion and wasn’t having any of it.

Like everything else, religion can be a big part of your relationship or it can be a small part of your relationship. I’m not saying anything bad about Jewish people or the religion; it just wasn’t for me. And because I felt that way, I felt shameful, embarrassed, hypocritical and confused whenever I was exposed to it. If your man’s religion is an issue for you, it will never go away. Religion is not something you can ignore; you are what you are, you are what you believe and who I am to tell you any different? Who am I to tell my man what I think he should believe? For many people, religion is what their life-long beliefs are about. If you have an issue with your man’s belief system, then you have an issue with your man all around and how do you think that’s going to play out? Not good.

I am in no way saying compromises can’t be made. I was baptized in a Baptist church and my husband’s Catholic and was an altar boy. In our case, religion isn’t an issue because my man spent so much time in the Church he could care less if he ever sees one again. I grew up fighting a religion that was forced on me so I made an adult choice on the general Christianity I practice today. Religion is not a focus in our lives, but if it made a difference to my husband I would have taken Catholicism classes and became Catholic. Religion is a tricky thing; someone has to be willing to bend and if your man’s religion is an issue and you’re not the compromising type be prepared to walk.

Abby: Religion is a very sensitive subject for many people. There are varying levels of religious commitment and then there are the family issues that revolve around religion.

To give yourself the best chance at a successful marriage, you would want to marry someone who had the same values and moral convictions. Those don’t necessarily need to be oriented around a religion, but they should be compatible. If you’re not a zealot, then you probably won’t mind mingling with other religions as long as they tolerate yours. If you were to have kids, you’d want to agree with your spouse about what religion to pass on to the kids.

If you are heavily engrained within an established religion, you’re probably best served to marry a man who is too. If you’re plan is to try to change your man’s beliefs and views, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Also, you need to very seriously consider the family component. I have a Jewish friend who married a Christian and it ripped his family apart. He all but lost contact with his parents because they had explosive fights with every conversation. The constant tension revolving around religion put additional pressure on his new marriage. While all of these things can be overcome, my advice is to try to avoid as many hurdles as possible when setting out on a marriage.