Francesca: I am 100% absolutely not OK with our roles. I am a career woman, a mom and a wife and my personality is that I have to be good at everything to feel good about myself. With a passion for my career, three kids (because my man wanted a big family) and "wife" duties I nearly drop dead by the end of the night.
My man refers to dishes and other types of household duties as "a bitch’s job." Sometimes I can't believe the total crap that comes out of his mouth. That's what I get for marrying an Italian man raised in a completely traditional Italian home. Not only that but he is the youngest of four so he was completely babied. Of course, I am sure he is 100% satisfied with the roles we each play because he benefits big time by my wanting to do it all and be it all and he never blinks an eye. Even though I might work all day just like him, he expects a plate of food to be put directly in front of him.
I have so much anger and resentment about his expectations half the time I'm thinking about how I can poison him so he has a quick death. I don't believe most men have the ability to successfully take care of children so if you plan on having any kids you better have a serious talk about who's getting up at night, who's changing diapers and how you are going to manage your relationship and deal with the stresses of having children for the next 18 years. The roles each of you will play should be discussed repeatedly until it's memorized by both you and your man so there's no confusion. If you want equality, you had better be loud and clear about it.
Abby: Gender roles still exist and they have caught many a couple off guard. People don’t always realize the deep seeded beliefs they hold. Many women, even successful executives, have every expectation of staying home with the kids. This can shock a man who married a professional. Conversely, some career women are not too happy with the expectation that they stay home. Then there are the gender issues of who makes more money or if a man wants to stay home. It can cause many battles if you don’t figure out where you stand and make sure your man understands your position.
When my man and I went through premarital counseling, we participated in a weekend for engaged couples. This was one of the questions raised. We got such a chuckle out of how many couples had opposite views on what their roles would be. They hadn’t even discussed it and were weeks away from getting married!
My man has always considered me a professional, as have I. We were talking the other day about how many people were asking me when I’d stop working during my latest pregnancy. He stopped dead in his tracks when he thought I was planning to stay home. While the confusion only lasted for about five seconds, it really reinforced that we had the same understanding of our roles. Neither of us is the stay at home type. We actually get concerned that our nanny will go crazy staying with the kids all of the time. So even though we get plenty of pressure and judgment from society, we remain consistently on the same page with each other.
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Lisa: Hmmm, Both my man and I know our roles in our relationship but...we are both guilty of being slack about them at times. He is expected to fix things around the home, be the bread winner and help with chores when asked to, he is also expected to share a somewhat equal part in raising our children. He does all of the above but generally in his own time unless i become the nagging wife, with the exception of our daughter that has always been an equal role when he is not working. I am expected to work at least part time (although i think he would like me to work more, or at least get paid more with benefits), keep a clean home and do the laundry, at least make sure there is food in the pantry and cook a few times a week. I say a few times a week because I never cook every night of the week like my Mum does! I have a degree and could have a career but am happy putting it aside to raise my daughter as much as I can, I hate the thought of someone watching my child and teaching her things, when she is mine and teaching is or was my career, to me that feels wrong. I always wanted a man just like my Dad whom to me is the perfect man, he can fix anything, he works full time and will do side jobs in order to allow my mum to stay home and raise my sister and i, and now help with the grandchildren, he will cook and clean and anything else his family needs him to step up and do. Like i said my man does all that but not right away which can really bug me at times. I find it especially hard that he is more happy to do things when i'm not home, which he'll openly admit to "well i'd do it if you weren't here but when you're here i don't want to do it"???????? All in all i'm happy with our expectations of one another and it works for us.
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