Question 22 - Do you have the same smoking habit as your man?

Abby: My man was a smoker when we started dating. Since we were young and in the bar scene, I didn’t think much of it. I guess I always assumed he would quit when it was time to grow up, but it was ok while we were partying. As we evolved in our careers, I started to notice that he was one of the few professionals that smoked in our office. I would question his productivity because he spent extra time out of his day smoking and then would need to work later. I also felt it would impede his career. When I mentioned this to him, he tried to decrease the frequency of his smoke breaks, tried the patch, the pills, the lozenges. Nothing worked. But we still went out quite a bit, so there wasn’t too much pressure.

Then it became time for us to have kids. There was no more going out for me. That was when I saw him go outside to smoke, often. I knew he had tried for several years now to quit, but this was when it really dawned on me how hard it was for him. It was impacting the quality time of his life and he was a prisoner to it. Then there were the nights that he had to sleep in the guest room because the baby was in the bed and he smelled like smoke. Since studies had shown it could trigger asthma for babies to inhale smoke from clothes, he was relegated to another room. What an awful experience for a new father.

His frequency of smoking was slowly decreasing at the office as he got out of the habit of coffee and a cigarette. Then he moved to an office that would give him a hard time if he came to meetings smelling like smoke. This coincided with when we were ready to get pregnant again. I would read him articles about how smoking impacts the quality of his sperm, telling him that he needed to get on the ball.

And that was his turning point. I think between the pressure at work, at home, and on himself, he was finally able to make the break. But it took years. And it took me a while to understand that he was truly trying and struggling with the failure. I was not OK that he smoked, but I was OK knowing that he had always smoked and that was what I had agreed to. It wasn’t fair for me to chastise him for something that I assumed. I was the one that assumed he would grow out of it. I don’t think we had ever really talked about it. We should have though.

That’s the key. If I had been wrong that he didn’t want to raise his kids as a smoker, it would have been a thorn in our relationship forever. But if I had just asked before we got married, I could have made a different decision about our long term compatibility. I had no plans to raise my children with a smoker. So, even though my man hung the moon, it might have been a deal breaker if we had discussed it and he planned to smoke his whole life.

Francesca: Smoking is definitely not a habit my man and me share the same philosophy on. I probably held my first lit cigarette when I was 13 or so. Yes, I did it for the coolness factor. I've never smoked more than a half a pack a day, always quit when I was pregnant and don't like to smoke a lot but yes I like to smoke when I'm stressed, with a glass of wine, on the very rare occasion I go dancing with girlfriends etc.

Now I get it - it's not good for you, it smells disgusting and maybe it’s not the most attractive thing a girl can do. However, my man is absolutely and totally 100 percent anti-smoking...when it comes to me. The thing that bothers me is that the reason he hates me to smoke is not because he's worried for my health or his grandmother died from it, etc. The reason is he simply thinks it's disgusting.

I think it's disgusting that he curses the way he does in front of the kids, but I don't hear him saying,"OK honey I'll work on it." I hear,"OH WELL deal with it, I've always cursed." OH WELL, then deal with my smoking since I've always been a smoker! We don't share the same philosophy on smoking and it has really been a problem in our relationship. He's always hassled me about it but now it becomes a serious argument when I want to smoke. Ladies I don't care if your vice is picking your nose - discuss your habits before you settle down and discuss what is acceptable to each of you and what is not. Grown ups shouldn't have to report to each other.